You do know much of the backstory. I impulsively deleted the accounts/usernames Mysterious/Hopingtrying. I shouldn't have this account because it was against the rules to have two accounts at once when I created the Nowinners account. At the time, I was taking steps to divorce H. I was really scared during the process and imagined that by letting anonymous people at PC know what was going on that it would keep me safer. I am afraid I imagined to myself that I might turn up dead. I was having terrrible problems with anxiety and delusions, ultimately dropping the whole divorce thing. And perhaps I was just really anxious about making it without him. He does a lot for me. We haven't always consistently shown respect and loving kindness to each other but we are trying and things are much better.


It meant that I felt he was willing to "damage" both of us if necessary in order to take vengence on me if I went through with a divorce (maybe this was partly delusional thinking?) but you are right, society puts way to much pressure on people in regards to winning and losing. I am guilty of putting that pressure on my husband, myself and our children.


I do not want to start my life over but want to live in the present moment and be a better wife and mother. It seems to be helping for the most part....


We have had lots of "honey moon" phases. I have issues with mood swings. I have been looking more critically at my role in it all. I have some codependent traits--there have been times both H and I get aggravated over both silly and serious control issues when we are under stress but I am getting better at putting the past behind me. There were good times but also dark ones too. I'd like to think that my new awareness will prevent me from ever getting that way again. I do feel loved and safe. I used to worry about being "respected"--I don't now, I think respect is earned and I get respect when I deserve. I sometimes feel like people love me more than I really deserve given some of the things I have done in my life. I am lucky. My problems are mostly my own doing.

Didn't really mean to cause this much discussion. Guess I was just trying to say, "When you are unhappy in a relationship, look inside too."