T today. Waiting room was kinda full, so I sat over in the corner. T opened door and didn't see me, so he leaned forward and peered around the side, then smiled when he saw me. Me: "I was hiding!" He said he'd make sure our sessions would be on half hour from now on (like they usually are) so waiting room would be more empty.

Sat down. I said how often when I'm leaving, if someone's in waiting room, they seem to be staring at me. T said they probably aren't looking at me as long as I think. Or if they are, maybe they're thinking, "I want to get my hair cut like her" or "I like her dress, I wonder where she got it?" (I was wearing a dress) or "I wonder how she likes her Fitbit?" I said I liked that more positive way to look at it.

Talked about my stressful morning with D getting ready for school, H yelling at D, me asking H not to yell at D, and H yelling at me. T said how one of the things he's always believed with parenting is that it's never OK to yell at your kids. I mentioned that I knew it was common. He said just because something is common doesn't mean that it's OK. I said he'd told me that once before and that it had really affected me. That ex-MC would say something was common and that he did it, which implied that it was OK (including yelling at his kids). Note that I sometimes end up yelling at D, too, which I've shared with him, but much less frequently than H.

T said one possibility would be to record H when he was yelling, like not be obvious about it. He put his phone up on the ledge next to him to demonstrate. He said that could potentially be risky though, because it's hard to say how H might react to being videoed. To think long and hard about that.

As part of that discussion, he gave some example, like how everyone shouldn't do something just because other people are. Me: "You mean like lemmings going off the cliff? I think that's lemmings, right?" T: "Is a lemming a fish? Or a mammal?" Me: "I think a mammal, sort of like a meerkat? Or a weasel?" T: "Oh that's right, I think they burrow in the ground like groundhogs." Me: "Not sure but you might be right."

I said how some of the stuff with D seemed to me (as someone with OCD) like OCD stuff. I listed a few of the things to T, and he agreed. I said it especially bothered me if H was yelling at her for those things, like "I *have* to finish my breakfast" (and some counting things) because, in my experience, yelling at someone to stop them won't help, because they really do feel they *have* to do those things. So it will just make them more stressed. T agreed with me. I said (tearing up) that it can be hard for me to see H do that to D because it makes me think of my childhood, with my parents not understanding my mental health issues. T said me being understanding of D can help her, and also help me as well, like healing the past in a way.

I said I didn't know if she had OCD or if this could just be an aspect of autism. He said could be part of autism. He struggled to come up with a term and asked if I wanted to know it. I said OK. He got up and grabbed his DSM V, put on his reading glasses, flipped to a page and read some stuff to me from it, presumably from the autism section. We discussed that a little bit. Also in there, he gave some suggestions for handling the mornings with D and H, including visual schedule. And suggested having discussion with H about it (not in the morning).

He asked me if I felt like H understood mental illness. I said maybe not, though he’ll mention how he’s nervous sometimes. T said that suggests he doesn't really understand, adding “What he needs is a good panic attack!” Which kinda amused me—I said maybe I could inject him with adrenaline (kidding obviously). T said if someone is talking about anxiety and is like, "I get nervous before speaking in public" or about depression saying, "I get a little down sometimes," it suggests they don't really understand. He said it's like a lightning bug compared to lightning. I said was good comparison, and he said he couldn't take credit for it (Mark Twain apparently). And can almost be worse because they *think* they understand and that it's easy enough to deal with, when they really have no idea what the person with anxiety or depression is really going through on a regular basis.

I asked if it was difficult for him to understand what clients are going through if he hasn’t gone through certain things himself. He said, “I’m not going to disclose what I have or haven’t personally experienced, but…" Which I thought was a good holding of boundaries. I said, "I understand that." And went on to explain how he understands things more by talking to "people in my life who I care deeply about" (not sure if he meant real-life people, clients, or both) and by training. He also said that it can be a negative if someone had a similar experience, that if he had, say, severe OCD, he might assume my experience of it was the same as his, when it can be very different in different people. I said I felt that was an issue with ex-MC sometimes, with his having said he's also had anxiety issues.

I asked how I could get H to understand more both what I'm feeling and what D is. How I thought marriage counseling would have helped, but I don't think it did, that I'd explain what I'd want from him if, say, I was panicking, but he tended not to do it. That if he's been with me for 12 years and still didn't get it...

T said some people need to hear it from an expert, like they'll pay him $175 to hear the exact same thing a friend or family member told them. That it doesn't seem fair, but it's often the need to hear it from an outside source. Whether about me or stuff with D. He suggested we find an expert in area to talk to. And with anxiety, maybe try to find documentary on it, since they share personal stories "and have nice music and stuff." How someone else's story might help H understand more than me. Or to find a good book on it, maybe with case studies. I said I'd look into it, and he said to let him know if I found something good.

T also said in a way he wished H and I were still getting couples counseling. Because that could be a place to discuss stuff with D. I said I wondered what it would have been like if we'd gone to him for marriage counseling, like if I'd never started seeing him individually. I said how a friend had said H would likely hate him, because he would challenge and push him. T: "I don't know, guys tend to like me." Me: "Now are you going to say, 'The ladies tend to like me, too'?" T laughed. "No I'm not going to say that." T said he feels he's not a typical T: "I'm into sports, I'm sarcastic, I'm not that warm and fuzzy." Me: "Yeah, I think the sports thing is what bonded H and ex-MC, with them liking the same teams."

T said we'd have to wrap up soon and had maybe 5 minutes left. Was there anything else I wanted to address? I said there was one thing I'd planned to maybe discuss today, but it wasn't urgent, that what we'd talked about was more helpful, stuff I can apply now to hopefully make life easier, or at least the mornings. Talked more about how H was acting toward D, and that I yelled at her on occasion. He said he's heard that a good way to judge how you're acting is that if someone filmed it and put it on social media, would you feel OK about it and feel able to sort of defend your actions? I said that's an interesting way to look at it.

I said I appreciated the little wrap-up time, and he said he was trying to go off some feedback I'd given him recently, though he probably should have given me more time. I thanked him for that. He reached for his phone to schedule and realized it was still on the ledge. T: "I've actually been recording you this whole time! Just kidding!" I laughed and said maybe he has a hidden camera elsewhere. I said actually, someone had recently suggested I record sessions--would that ever be a possibility? He said it's something we could talk about, to discuss why I'd want to. I said we could discuss in future session, and he said that sounded good. (I figure if it's something he'd never allow, he's just say it outright.)

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for next Mon/Thurs. Went over to pay. He shook my hand, saying, "Enjoy!" Me: "Uh, you too." He commented on the rain, and I was like "Oh right!" and went over to get my umbrella from next to the couch. As I approached the door, he said, "Take care." Me: "Thanks, you too."