I'm depressed over yesterday. H was off work yesterday to rest, but we ended up spending most of the day discussing finances and our marriage. The divorce word came up a lot, though this morning he said he did not want to break up our family, just mostly am he is worried I would break down if we lose the house & not keep it together for our daughter and wishes I would and could bring income into this marriage.

He wishes I were a better housekeeper. So do I but I don't think he understands bipolar I that is mixed (horrible), panic disorder, PTSD, ED, possibly ADHD. I am a walking DSM.

He told me not to jog any more and that is the solution people without EDs see. Just stop the exercise. But if I stop that, I will do something else, SH, not eat, make myself throw up, end up even worse off. But I need to stop. I am going to have to devote myself to this & I need to do it now. 96 lb. on the scale this morning, and that was after a glass of water & cup of coffee. So bad. Some of it is dehydration, I know, but not all of it. I want him to understand how hard ED recovery is, especially when the type I have looks like you can just decide to quit and quite cold turkey.

I can't be much better at cleaning the house, at anything, until my weight is up though I am not sure H understands the horrible fatigue giving up an ED (even one where you are eating, just exercising too) much causes as well. Probably not as bad, but from experience, I know it it very exhausting. It's like you suddenly stop, let your body absorb all those miles run at once. Well, that was me the first time around and hopefully won't be me again soon. My relapse in 2015 was just not eating enough and was after a sexual abuse incident at massage parlor, and I hadn't made it a way of life, connected with it much, I just now know I had it from looking at pictures taken back then.

It's a choice I have to make to save my family, but God is it hard. And we still probably will lose the house. I think the emergency psych ER and the CPS case really did it for H. Plus, he is already depressed over his mom's death in late December, a rift between his sister that now makes a rift with his dad as his sister moved him to take care of FIL, and FIL puts all phone calls on speakerphone (we had planned to move out there to help FIL, and H's sister just took over). His sister is married, and they have a house with a 2nd mortgage. She has mental issues but can work as she has worked full time until recently. Then, she quit her job, supposededly to take care of FIL, but I don't know; H gets the impression she is sleeping until 1 PM and feeding FIL one big takeout meal daily, which is not good since he has diabetes type II.

H was told by Lamar University he wouldn't get the teaching position they practically promised, and he so desperately wants to teach at university level and be able to research. Yesterday, was a breaking point. But I've thought about it too. Divorce. Maybe in name only and stay here or just move away. I am not a good mom, or rather, I could be better and not flip out over small stuff like a 10 minute late bedtime. I have promised to work on all these things, but I somehow have to let him know the ED goes first alone with trying to build some sort of relationship again with my daughter (hard because she is into playing lots of video games I don't understand) will have to be put ahead of house-cleaning. It's been rough even making these decisions, that I have absolutely got to get rid of the ED & improve other things as well. I'm wiped today. And the financial worries don't go away.

I actually called & rescheduled my rheumotologist appt for tomorrow (fibro) to next month. Too afraid of doc scale reaction.