Thanks for the hugs. I feel that I am in a dangerous place with this and it's hard to explain. I am not one to bug my therapist or even speak of it here as it is very private but a button has been pushed and I am fighting, flighting, or surviving.I want to take a skill from long past where I don't cry. I did cry when angry even then. I made my body cooperate any way that I could. I would never let the enemy see me in tears. It has changed too much the other way. Therapist took several examples out of my past and wanted me to see my responsibility. I saw mine as well as there's but then time was up and off I go. I felt like throwing a snow ball in her direction. I felt betrayed and layed open to the world for all to see how rotten I am. I have written a lot lof emails. Too many with a basic theme of my need to learn to shut the pain out, not cry, and just function. I want to be a hermit. Do you guys here misunderstand me? Do I come across as harsh and cruel? I am very upset and the most I can do is grit my teeth and try to relearn to appear the one who wants or needs people for nothing. I am old enough that I know it all comes from within me. I am not angry with my therapist, just feel that she is tiring of me and my glorified manure. I know she needs to leave me and move on. I am also so tired and confused about my doctor. I used to like him and feel respectfully treated. Not any longer. I see the disgust in his eyes. Too bad for him that I
am who I am. I do not start out trying to harm people. I live my life trying to be loving.`I am very hurt and in crisis.