I'm not going to put this whole thing in a trigger warning, but just like general TW for emotional/verbal abuse

I had a lot of memories that came back from talking to my mom.
I was able to actually provide specifics about the ways in which my father was verbally/emotionally abusive instead of just vague statements.
I told him about how my father would yell and scream 6" from my face when he was twice my size for things I hadn't done, and then when I denied them I also got yelled at and punished for disrespect and disobedience.
I told him what my mom said, that it was hard for her to watch and she was in an impossible situation because she would want to defend me because she knew he was being unfair and awful, but she also knew that if she tried to intervene and he felt like his authority was being challenged it would only make things worse for me.
And that eventually when she'd moved out she'd "naively believed" (her words) that things would be better between me and him because he was only doing it because he was angry with her (I also told T that I thought that was a rationalization, not naivete, and that she'd wanted to believe that because then she wouldn't feel as guilty for leaving while I still had to spend time at his house).
When I was telling him about my mom not defending me T asked what I was feeling as I was talking about it. I was like "idk, sadness I guess." He was like "that's not the emotion that's coming up for me right now." I asked "you don't think it's sad?" And he said that he felt anger about my mom not defending me, and he thought she wasn't intervening because she didn't want it directed at her. I explained that, no, feeling that his authority was being challenged really would cause my father to escalate things more. T didn't really think that was an acceptable excuse.
But my brother and I also learned not to defend each other because that only made things worse for both of us. So I can't really blame my mom.

There was a lot more to the session than that, but that was the most important part for me. T almost never expresses emotion unless I ask him directly ("do you care about me?" "would it bother you if I suddenly quit therapy without any explanation and you never saw me again?"). It's generally best for me that way because I'm not worried about upsetting him or trying to shield him from stuff or trying to get a reaction out of him. But it helped to hear, because I'm still feeling pretty emotionally detached from these memories. And hurt by the ways in which my mom almost made it sound like some of it was partly my fault.
And because my father's legal defense for custody was that my mom had brainwashed me against him and he could make any incident sound reasonable after the fact by downplaying his behavior and using the fact that I was upset as proof that I was irrational. So the family therapist who did the initial evaluation didn't believe me. Neither did my first therapist. Or the guardian ad litem. My father managed to convince them all that I was just a rebellious 13 year old and I'd been brainwashed and liked my mom because she let me get my way.
If T was angry that means he believes me about my father. And he thinks I should have been protected. He doesn't think I was just being melodramatic. He doesn't think I should have just toughened up and gotten over it. He thinks that it mattered. He thinks that I mattered.

Sessions are usually 50 minutes. He apologetically told me we'd have to wrap up and I looked at my watch and it was 58 after. I was his last patient of the day so I don't feel too guilty, but he's usually good about time. I think the only other time we went over by that much was the session when he was terminating. And maybe the first session together after that?

He asked me what I thought would be helpful for me to do (like homework). I said "not think about it." He said he wanted me to read my stupid "empowerment letter" (I still can't believe I let him talk me into writing that. He now uses it against me whenever he wants to get me to be nicer to myself). I told him I didn't want to do it. He asked if I knew why he wanted me to do it and I said because he knew I'd go find a million creative new ways to blame myself for everything. He said yes and asked why I didn't want to do it. I didn't really know how to answer. It just doesn't feel right for me to do. I don't want to read good things about myself right now. It feels wrong. I think when I'm feeling like this trying to do something like that only makes me angrier at myself.

I have another appointment Friday.