Saw my T for the first time this week yesterday.
I texted him a bit before since there had been an accident blocking my bus from getting to T's office. I got off the bus, ran to a stop where other buses I can take also stop, and then got onto the same bus that I had just gotten off. I arrive a bit late and coughed through the first half of the appointment, I think I have some kind of asthma.

I started off by saying my week was ****. Last night I did some kind of wrong movement with my shoulder and now I'm in pain. Tuesday I realized the power supply of my new PC came with a plug for EU sockets, which we can't use here. Ran around town the whole day trying to find a cable that has the right current throughput, since the other cables we have in the house didn't have enough. Couldn't find one. And last week I was a bit upset about our second session on Friday.
T asked why. I felt that he just tried to be right. He told me I'm scared of something within me and project that fear onto stuff in the outside world. But I clearly felt that I was scared of stuff coming from outside. I didn't feel understood. He asked whether he tries to be right too much in general? I said no, just sometimes.
I said that I understand the concept of projection, but I don't think all fears are projection. If a human in the stone age was scared of a tiger, he didn't project the internal fear of I don't know what onto that tiger, he was scared of the freaking tiger! T said that that a tiger was a real thing standing in front of you. That's different from my fears where I'm scared of the mean world outside. I answered that I'm not scared of the world, I'm scared of the world killing itself. Which is happening right now, it's a real thing. He replied that he knew that that was a real thing. But that he didn't perceive it as a real threat of his existence. I was kind of confused by that, I feel like it directly contradicts itself. Anyways, he said that last time we just both had our point of view and tried to convince the other of it. That I probably didn't feel validated because of that. And that it's good I told him.

After some silence, I said I don't want to be so scared of dying anymore. I don't want to think about it every day. He asked what those thoughts involved? Accidents, shootings, the end of the world. Everything. He remembered a time where I told him how there was an evacuation at university, where all the others just slowly gathered their stuff, talked to each other, joked around. Meanwhile I grabbed the things I could and ran outside. I told him that as a child, I used to be scared of death every night. I had a 30 minute ritual where I checked every single corner of my room for things that could kill me. Like bombs, remote-controlled crossbows, people. He confirmed with me that he remembers correctly that I don't have nightmares often. I said as a kid I used to, but I think that's normal. Other than that one dream that I could trigger by looking at an item in my room. And for present dreams, I think most people would describe the contents of some of my dreams as disturbing and like a nightmare. But I never wake up from them.

Silence again. He asked why I built a PC? I just want to have experienced it once. He asked whether I built a laptop or desktop, I replied a desktop. He asked me what the difference between the two is (apart from being able to carry one around). I told him, and then said again how I was annoyed at some bits of it. That I threw some screws into a random box because I was upset, and now I can't find them anymore. He told me sometimes he gets upset about PCs too. I said at least my partner wasn't home at the time, he doesn't like when I rage like this. He replied 'Neither does my wife when I rage!' Kind of made me happy to hear that he sometimes acts like me.

Again some silence. I said I'm sad. He asked me to concentrate on it, to describe it. I told him half the time I'm really sad and see things, memories. And the other time I feel empty and don't see anything. He asked whether I wanted to share the content of the images, I said it's how I lie in bed crying, being sad and scared. He confirmed with me that that was from about 10 years ago. What I'm scared off? The next day, going to school. Who I'm scared of there? I said the one guy who bullied me. 'The one that threatened to throw your guitar out of a window?' - 'Yeah'. We talked about that guy, first about what he did to me. Most of the time he'd just laugh at me, say stupid things about me. Two times he hit me, and sometimes he'd threaten to not give back items that he took from me or to destroy them. T asked whether I fought back? I said at first I didn't, I had been bullied in the past as well, and my parents and teachers always told me that it only makes the bully happier if you fight back. But at some point I snapped and couldn't take it anymore, and ignoring didn't do anything anyways. Then I regularly screamed at the guy and hit him, but he didn't stop. T asked me why I think he did that. I replied either because he liked to make people suffer or because he needed to control something, to have power. T said he probably had lots of problems with his emotions and now fighting back as well as ignoring probably both was confusing to the bully. There was some more to the discussion, but I don't remember most of it.

We had to stop shortly after because we were already 25 minutes over. T confirmed that we'd see on Friday and we shook hands. I managed to look at him very quickly during that, which felt nice, he looked very caring and loving.