I'm actually surprised my ED has had as little fallout as it had. I was the worst in college; H never saw that. Yes, I always did exercise a lot, belonged to the gym when we had money, but that was actually good; I'd get into weightlifting, drink the protein shakes and gain a lot of muscle (above my set point weight post-ED, the same as post-pregnancy). I got really bad in 2015, didn't eat much but there was an SA incident, and somehow I got myself out of that one.

This one, I think, I think if I catch myself now, I can stop before I hit the bottom low. And I'm not restricting nearly as much as I used to. Meals with my family, I eat normally. Some days I snack, some I don't. But I do need to turn running into walking or just stop altogether for awhile now. Because I would tell any other woman in my position "Stop hurting your body!"

I guess H views I can still do stuff and not how much easier things are (even just doing daily chores like laundry) when I weigh more and don't obsess over it. The long jogging really is bad, and if I do it too late, I really could get heatstroke. Long jogging led me into restricting foods, labeling foods good or bad, but because of all the exercise I was lucky in that I was still eating, so I didn't go through refeeding syndrome.

Now, I just have to stop/slow the exercise into something else as hard as it is. H sees I go jogging so I must have a ton of energy and be strong, but I actually have to force myself or I worry about getting too fat. When I am healthy, I do jog and have found a happy medium around 3, 3.5 miles, normal for many joggers. Just right now I can't make myself stop at a healthy place, and I get so lost in my head jogging, I think now I spend nearly all of it dissociating. So not healthy on any level.

I see the T again on Friday, and hopefully she will help me with trying to find good coping strategies and ways to help our marriage. I did have to work really hard not to lose patience with my daughter, but considering she just started her first menstrual cycle ever, and she was extra moody/teary/grouchy, I held my tongue when I really wanted her homework done before dinner. She promised she would do it after dinner, and she is. And I didn't run today, so that's something.

I need to drink protein shakes, but ugh, I bought some chocolate protein powder, mixed it in a shake with milk and it was so gross. And that was one of the middle priced brands, some people rated it good, some just OK, not great but works (I guess by that they mean it helps you put on muscle). I think I am going to have to find the money somewhere to spend on the pricey stuff I used back when I did weightlifting because at least it did not taste disgusting, and I can see myself drinking that a couple times a day, ideally 3, but 2 is a good first goal. I know they sell it at a store not too far from where I live though I might price compare; Amazon could be cheaper.

The good thing about the ED is if I stop now, I am not too far gone, and it should be easier to recover and regain weight. Because even 5 lb. goes a long way toward making me feel better, though I know I need to gain more than 5 lb., but it's just I know even 5 lb. would increase my stamina a lot. I do not do good when I weigh so low.

One day at a time. I'm going to try to clean 1 bathroom tomorrow too, the master bathroom. It's not as bad as it sounds as it is our smaller bathroom. I don't think they even built master bathrooms into these houses from the 1960s. I feel like it was probably something a past owner put in, either for convenience or to help sell if he invested in properties. So it is very small and should be a do-able goal.