The thing that really sent a warning bell off for me was today. I was sitting in the common area eating my breakfast. Roommate comes out and tells me I put the dishwasher on the “wrong” setting (we’ve had it a couple months). It should be on this other setting. I said, oh, sorry, when we got it someone said put it on X, I’ll do it on new setting now that I know. Then I got a 5 minute lecture on energy savings, and how it was so important to her to save water, energy, etc, that she was trying out new settings (so this new thing wasn’t anything official) whatever. I mentioned, I just try to go along with whatever everyone is doing (the other ones had been roommates elsewhere for a couple years, and I think she had moved in with them pretty soon after they started dating), if people want something a different way than it is, just let me know. Somehow it became this conversation about how she feels like she’s the only one who cares about the house, environment, etc. There’s a specific roommate she tends to go at and I admit that person isn’t the most on top of house stuff, I tried to play mediator and suggest that maybe just clearing things with people first is a better way before you make changes that confuse everyone, or people don’t feel they were part of the decision process- that way they’re more likely to take part.

Well, that was the wrong thing to say and I realized my mistake. Immediately it became, “Is this just a feeling you have, something you made up in your head? Or is this an actual thing you've talked about?” Ok, not cool. I was flustered, admitted yes, it was something that came up- honestly everyone had been frustrated by the at times unilateral decision-making. But not a big deal, just something in passing. “So actual conversations?” She then demanded to know who exactly, grilled me a bit. I’m pretty sure I’d talked to everyone about something here and there (including this roommate) but these were like 1-sentence things- ex: “Oh, are the things in this other place now? It’s kind of frustrating when everything is moved around”. I tried to emphasize not a big deal, but yeah, it was something, and again just if we can all be in communication about stuff it’s probably more likely to get people to do whatever. Even tone of voice and asking than announcing makes a huge difference. And if things have been a certain way for a while, I and probably others assume it’s cool to whatever extent, if one/more want it different, just communicate this.

She talked again about feeling frustrated, like everyone’s mom- I tried to play mediator, but it was increasingly hard and I felt very on edge.

There was also the part about saying she was making these changes- like everyone should be equal and part of everything, but then also, I did all this research before figuring out kitchen layout, or energy stuff, or common space design, or whatever, so I have more say about it because I put in all this extra work. I called her out on this, in a joking way- which one is it then? we’re all in this together, or you’re making some of these decisions yourself? I don’t care but which is it so we know and she was immediately on the attack, saying, I didn’t say that- tell me exactly the words I said. Of course I couldn’t say this exactly and this provoked the no, I didn’t say that, I would never say that thing which was like whaaaa??? You literally just said both it should be equal and you had more say.

She will do this thing with her boyfriend a lot where they will get into a discussion-argument-yelling and I was afraid to provoke it, it starts with her interrupting him and then being like, “No, that’s not what I said…blah blah blah” and then saying that he’s not listening to her. At that point they are usually both starting to yell at each other and talk over each other anyways so it’s a little hard to say who’s on first. So I basically tried to just let her talk it out and not prolong the conversation. I think things were better but just now I heard her complaining loudly upstairs to her bf. I heard her trying to provoke him at first (did you ever complain about me?) but then it seemed to shift on what I was saying. Good news! Maybe she won’t pick on the other roommate or start fights with the bf for a bit. Bad news! Maybe she will pick on me now.

I’m definitely out of here in a month or two.