Second appointment this week. First, we talked about my mom. She invited me to come to the US for the second time in like a month. I declined the offer last time and still don't want to go. T asked me why I don't want to go. My reasons are that I'm scared of flying, don't think flying is good for the environment, don't feel stable enough to go, and it's just not a good point in time. Plus we would go by ourselves, without my dad. And that doesn't sound great either, my mom doesn't know how to drive and neither do I. T was surprised we both don't know how to drive. He asked me whether my mom didn't learn it because she's scared. I said probably not since she is now getting her license in the US. He still thought it's a fear thing and asked whether she knows how to swim. Then I also mentioned how I wouldn't want to give the TSA officers my passwords and data, so I'd have to get a new PC and phone as well. He asked me whether I couldn't survive without for a week, to which I said I could live without a phone, but without a PC it's boring.
He said sounds like you don't want to go. Then why do I struggle with just telling her? I said I'm scared she'd get sad or angry. And on top of that she thinks it's a present for my graduation, but I'd actually like something else. "Something useful!" - "No, just something I like". He asked whether that was her only reason to invite me. I answered she probably wants me to help her move in or clean the house, but of course she doesn't say that. And she mentioned that I currently have time because I'm not working yet. T said taking off for a week is always possible, even if you have a job. (Actually, he said "even if you manage to find a job", making it sound like for some reason I'll struggle to do so, to which I said "Thanks!")
He also at some point mentioned that it's her issue if she gets upset. Although I'll have to deal with some sort of response if she does.

He mentioned that she asked the same thing a few weeks ago, what did I tell her back then? I said that I don't feel well enough and would rather relax at home. And what was her reply? I wrote her an e-mail, I didn't want to make a call (T said that shows that I'm scared of her reaction). She at some point replied, but only to the rest of the content, she completely ignored the part where I declined her offer.

We discussed how one can make decisions. I said making a list of positives and negatives and weighting them. He said that's one way, but it has downsides because you can find an infinite number of points and not reach a decision at all! I said there's also intuition. He said yes, what that part of me was saying? I said that part also doesn't want to go!
Since it was pretty clear that I don't want to go, we then discussed how I can tell her. I said I'd write to her again, not call. And I'd just tell her that I still don't feel well enough.

I also mentioned that I was scared of her trying to convince me to change my opinion, or rather that she says something like 'It's not that bad, don't exaggerate'. I told him about one time when I was living off-campus with a friend of mine, in an apartment my mom rented for us (in the US, it's not common to live on campus here). One night I was woken up by a woman screaming at the top of her longs. There was some kind of banging sound and she yelled 'stop, stop' for a while. I woke up my friend, who said we should call 911. The cops showed up and everything was resolved, although I have still no idea what happened at all. Anyways, my friend told my mom about it a while later, trying to warn my mom to be careful. My mom answered by telling that friend that I'm always overreacting and it was probably nothing at all, to just not pay attention if I say such things.

T said that it doesn't matter whether it was right or wrong to call the cops. People often have a hard time telling what's correct anyways. What matters is that we made a decision and stand by it.

We changed topic, I said I had trouble sleeping on Wednesday, because of stupid memories. Thursday it was better. He said it's important to not get too consumed by memories. I said yeah, it's usually easy during the day. I can distract myself. But at night I can't. Then it's hard. He gave me some tips to relax at night. Then he asked whether I was relaxed right now. I said yes. His phone rang and he had to turn it off. He said: 'So, you're relaxed, apart from the phone thing? Or do you feel like something might happen?' I replied it's hard to say. I closed my eyes. He asked whether I see anything. I said no. But I'm scared. Because I don't want to think about these things. He told me that's okay, I can decide to do that. We exchanged a sentence or two and I told him I'd like to talk about the memories I had the last two days, but that I'm also scared. He asked whether we want to try to do it together anyways.

I thought about how to start for a while. I said the worst thing in high school was lunchtime. In second grade I was usually by myself, I bought a sandwich from the canteen. Then I would walk through the whole school building, bottom to top, to occupy myself. I could usually only eat about three bites before I felt too sick to continue. A few years later, my school had to change location since our building was being renovated. Then I'd usually go to a local store, buy a sandwich and walk a route that took about 20 minutes to complete. I chose it such that nobody from school would ever walk there. I said I was embarrassed to always eat alone. And sad of course. And it also felt bad because my mom would constantly tell me how it was important to make friends in high school. What hurt the most was not having anyone to talk to at all. Not about my life or problems, just in general. Like if I had read a book I liked, I couldn't share that with anyone. Except for my parents, but who likes to talk to their parents at that age...

He asked whether I never had friends during that time, somebody I was close with? Not really. At first I had that one friend with whom I messed it up. The one where the parents told us we weren't allowed to talk anymore. After that, I had a few groups that let me go out with them for a few weeks, but they all told me to not join them anymore after that. Then after second grade our classes were redistributed (in my country you have all classes with the same people). There, I at first was allowed to spend time with three girls. We weren't really friends, they'd do tons of stuff outside of school together to which I was never invited. But they let me join for lunch. Until they decided they had enough of me after a while. After that I didn't really try to find people anymore since it hurt too much. T said that I probably felt like nobody liked me. He said most kids at some point are left out and alone. But usually not for years. He told me about a time he felt like that, which felt nice because it sounded like he can at least kind of understand.

Then he told me I should imagine that I'm 12 again, but my mind is still as it is now. What would I do? I said I'd take my laptop with me and browse the internet during lunch! He wasn't happy about that answer. He said what about if there were six people sitting in the canteen, they just started lunch, what would I do? I said if I felt like it I'd maybe ask them whether I could join them. He replied why ask, if there's space you could just sit down. I said maybe they don't want me to sit with them. He answered that would be childish and I said you just said I should imagine I'm 12, so all other people are 12 as well, they are literally children... He realized that was an issue, but said that thinking more about the now instead of how it would be as a child, people wouldn't mind. That you can listen to people, make some comments and jokes. You don't have to be friends with everyone immediately, just make small talk.

We talked some more, but I don't remember most of it, it wasn't really important. Then we came to the end of the session. T said "About next Wednesday..." and paused. I started to worry he might say I shouldn't come twice a week anymore, since he initially offered this until I'm feeling a bit better, which I clearly am compared to when he offered. But he just continued to say which time would be best for him and we scheduled for that.