On Friday afternoon, I decided to take half a bottle of Excedrin. Upwards of thirty or so tablets. The reason why, in a nutshell, is as follows:

For three months (Oct.-Dec.), I was involved with a college administrator that was employed at the college that I now attend. The relationship was totally unexpected, consensual, and different from anything either one of us had ever experienced. As barf-worthy as this may sound, it was love. I am 18, and he is 31. However, he is very religious and would rather be alone for his life than live in sin. (We are both homosexual. Though very atypical.) But that is not the problem.

Though the physical romantic situations stopped happening, we are still very close--- very much like brothers. In fact, most people think we are. We tell each other that we love one another every day.

Recently, however, I had confided in a couple of people about our relationship. My counselor says that need is natural-- someone to talk to, someone to understand us. I believe her. But those people told a group of people, and confronted him about it on Thursday night. The next day, we got in a fight. He stated that he was hurt and felt betrayed, and thought that I had done it to get revenge. When he wouldn't believe me that that wasn't my motive, I felt like I had to pay. So I tried to kill myself.

I did some research on the effects of an Excedrin overdose. A lot of the sites said that it would take 12 hours to kick in, resulting in liver failure. My plan was to go to sleep that night and never wake up.

But my plan failed. The pills kicked in within an hour, and I was shaking uncontrollably. By the time Eric got in touch with me again, I was convulsing and puking up blood. He forced me to go to the E.R. and planned on resigning come Monday morning.

Fast forward to today. The Dean of Students, his supervisor, took me to rehab yesterday morning because I was still suicidal. Today, she picked me up and informed me that he has not lost his job, but it is conditional. She didn't elaborate on that point. And she also informed me that the two of us are to no longer have contact with each other, which makes matters worse on so many levels. He is not only the Director of Student Services and International Studies, but he is my boss at work and my advisor in all of the campus organizations that I am a part of. So I have to drop out of the clubs and they are finding me a new job.

I just don't understand why keeping us apart is going to fix anything. Maybe it's because of his job, but I don't know, they won't tell me anything. The romantic feelings are still mutually there, but it so much more than that. I look up to him, respect him; he is my rock. He feels responsible for me, looks out for me, and takes care of me. Regardless what we did together, our friendship is the most important thing, and I cannot wrap my mind around not being able to text, call, talk, etc.