Hello! I hope you're all doing well today. As for me, it's a little bit complicated.

A good friend of mine passed away years ago. I wasn't the best person and I often lashed out. But he brought the best out of me. He was the greatest friend I could've ever asked for. He gave me kindness that, at the time with all the things I've done, I really didn't deserve. If anyone challenged him, tried to get on his bad side, or anything of that nature; he'd always be there to give them a helping hand. No matter how harshly he was treated.

We were kids when we met and teenagers when he left my life. It struck me so hard when it happened. Everything started to shatter and fall apart. All the mutual friends we had gradually drifted apart and I was left to reflect on what happened. I had no friends at that point and everything was so quiet. I couldn't stand going to the school we attended anymore, so I asked my mom to put me in a virtual school, instead.

I was isolated for so long. Blaming myself for what happened. Wishing that I could just see him one last time. I had become emotionally fragile and developed a crippling fear of people losing interest and leaving. Obviously, that's not what happened. He didn't "abandon" me. But I didn't want to lose anyone else. I wanted to do anything I could to appeal to them so I wouldn't be alone anymore. I was so desperate those next couple years.

Which resulted in me getting emotionally abused by people who saw me as an easy target. It really shut me away from human interaction. I didn't want to talk to people. Whenever I did and got close, they'd leave in one way or another. I didn't know what to do.

I've managed to cope with these feelings over the years. Now I'm laying here in my bed, looking up at the ceiling, remembering all the good times I shared with my friend. All the happiness he gave me. All the friends we had. Everything that was shared with me, even though he had no reason to. He just did it out of the kindness of his heart. Because he was the nicest, most capable person I had ever seen.

It hurts. Even now, it does. The pain is dull, yet festering. It's there, like a slight hum in the back of your head. Staying there. Almost impossible to ignore. I wrote a letter that was dedicated to him and I said everything that was on my mind. I said everything that I wanted to say to him in that letter. It helped give me clarity, in a way.

I'm still afraid, of course. I still distance myself from people. I still get anxious at the thought of someone knowing me past an acquaintance level. So I've had a consistent feeling of loneliness since then. The gaping hole in my heart isn't as big as it was before. Sometimes it still aches. But it's healing.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm trying to improve. For me, for him, for everyone that I know now. It's just difficult to develop close connections with people now. Have any of you dealt with this? Is there any advice you could spare?

Thank you so much for reading. This is really important to me and almost broke my heart trying to write. Have a great day.