T Thursday. Went back and sat down, and he immediately commented on my new shoes (polka dot burgundy Keds). Said he'd never seen any like those before (seemed complimentary). I said where I'd gotten them (online), which led to conversation about online vs. in-store shopping. After a few minutes, I apologized for going on about it. T: "Well, I asked!"

I noticed with relief that he was wearing both his wedding ring (had been missing last two sessions) and fun socks again (the Super Mario ones--he'd had boring solid ones past couple sessions, too).

He thanked me for changing the time today. He said he'd had last minute continuing education thing come up. And it went till noon and was half hour away. T: "So if you'd kept the 12:30, I'd have to see what my Prius could do. Probably not much." It's funny, because early on, I'd indirectly asked what kind of car he drove, but he wouldn't answer. Guess it took a year for him to share that info...I said how H had one, too. And I mentioned my VW (he's seen me get out of it before). T: "BMW?" Me: "Hahahahaha no, VW."

T: "What's on your mind today?" Me: "Well, I realized this week is a year since I've been seeing you." I got teary-eyed. I mentioned how on PC, people called it a "thera-versary," and he smiled. I said it's strange because it feels like I've been seeing him a long time, but saw ex-T for 6 years. I said I guessed maybe because I saw him twice a week? T: "So maybe it feels more like 2 years?" Me: "Or one and a half because I haven't been seeing you that often the whole time."

I said I guess this also means it's a year since I've seen ex-T. That I still feel kind of bad for how I left things with her. T: "Do you miss her?" Me: "Not really, and I feel guilty about that, too." We talked about how, often someone might see a T for a certain reason or stage in their life, then feel that T isn't useful anymore. T: "And you might stop seeing me for that reason, and that would be OK."

I said I guess it had been 5 months since I'd seen ex-MC, too. T: "What would you call that? A... termination...aversary? Yeah, guess there's no good term for it." Me: "No, not really."

I didn't tell him why I was asking this question , but I mentioned about if a client just doesn't show up, what does he think? Me: "I guess I'm wondering, if I didn't show up for a session, would you wonder where I was and if I was OK? Or would you just assume that I had just decided to stop seeing you?" T: "Probably a mix of both." I really wanted to ask if he'd reach out in some way, especially because I always show up, and I text him even if I'm going to be 5 minutes late. I think I may need to ask Monday, just to know.

I brought up a misunderstanding that had happened with friends earlier this week that had left me really upset and wanting to email him. But I said I'd gotten through it without emailing. We discussed general topic of misunderstandings with others. He brought up some times that I've reacted negatively to email responses he's sent. I said I figured those times were mostly me projecting stuff on him. But he said it takes two people, and that it was partly him not being thoughtful enough or being careful enough in his response. Which was nice to hear that he took some responsibility for those times, too.

I said another thing I'd been upset about this week is that I'd left my credit card at a restaurant for the second time in 2 months. And that I felt like a total screw-up, that people just don't do that. Though when I apologized to manager (since I'd also neglected to pay), she just said, "Eh, it happens." I gave reasons why I thought I might have been distracted, and T was like, "Can I be blunt?" Me: "Uh, OK." T: "I think you're just looking for reasons, and I don't think you believe any of those are true." Me: "Uh...I guess?" T: "I think it was just an accident, something that happens." Me: "But I feel like normal people don't do that."

T: "So I had to go to [major chain restaurant] a couple weeks ago to pick up my card that I'd left there. The manager pulled 15 out of the drawer when looking for mine and said those were just from that week, how they shred them after 2 weeks." Me: "Really? OK." T: "Yes, so it's actually pretty common. I probably do that every 2 years or so." Me: "Oh, OK that makes me feel better. I just felt like it was such a stupid mistake." T: "It's just something that happens sometimes."

Me: "I guess I just feel like my mom would have found it unacceptable for me or anyone else to do that. Or to make other mistakes, like the two times in my life I've overdrawn my bank account, once which I realized on a date with this seemingly perfect guy." T: "Your H?" Me: "Haha, no. I mean, this was a guy who seemed to have everything together, who'd apologize for his house being messy when it looked perfect. And whenever he'd come to my apartment, I'd notice some corner I forgot to clean. And later I learned he had an actual list of requirements for a girlfriend, many of which I assume I didn't meet." T: "He sounds very rigid. I'm glad you didn't end up with him." Me: "Me too."

Me: "But I just feel like...my mom has put it in my head that I can't make mistakes, that there's stuff normal people just don't do. Like, the couple times I've locked my keys in the car, once with D in it." T: "Or like when you go out to get the paper, and the door locks behind you and you're standing outside in your bathrobe, locked out?" Me: "Yeah...I guess that's a common story, too." T: "Everyone does stuff like that. It's normal. Just this morning, I'd stopped at [major hardware store] and had too much stuff, so I went over to the entrance to get a cart holding an item and set off the alarm. So it looked like I was trying to steal something." Me: "Yeah I'm sure you looked just like a thief!" T: "Well, I wasn't wearing my tie at the time." Me: "Ah." T: "My point is, everyone does these sorts of things." Me: "OK."

T: "And another example where I inadvertently upset someone. I have a friend who's an artist. And he'd done his bathroom floor in bits of broken tile and mirrors." Me: "A mosaic?" T: "Yeah. And I was there with some other friends to see the new floor. And I made this comment, because of the mirrors, 'Oh this way you can check yourself for lumps and bumps while using the bathroom.' What I didn't know was that one of the guys there had had testicular cancer. So everyone got silent, then someone explained. And I apologized. But stuff like that happens." Me: "And it's not like you knew."

Me: "So...how do I get it out of my head that I'm a screwup when I do them? I guess...one way would be to think what if a friend told me about it. Like I'd say it wasn't a big deal." T: "Yes, that would be one way." Me: "Because I wouldn't be hard on a friend about it, but I'd be hard on myself..." T: "You seem that you'd be so forgiving of a friend, but in a completely different universe with yourself." Me: "Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. I'm much harder on myself than on anyone else." T: "Like I said, they're different universes." Me: "How do I become less hard on myself? I guess that's not an easy answer." I glanced at the time--had like 1 minute left, and T did, too. T: "That's a good topic for future sessions." Me: "Yeah. But what you've said has helped, to realize it's not just me who does this stuff." T: "Good, because it's not."

Confirmed schedule, and I went over to pay, while saying how both my fantasy football teams had won this week. T, shaking my hand, "Good luck with football!" Me: "Thanks!" T: "Have a good weekend." Me: "Thanks, you too."

It had been a good, helpful session. Though I'd been surprised by how much self-disclosure T had done--from the car to all the stories about times he'd messed up. Besides making me feel better about myself, it also made him seem more human to me, not so perfect as he'd seemed at times. Which I think is a good thing, that he's not so far up on the pedestal.