Thursday's session:

After we'd sat down, T warned me that his partner would be arriving at his house at some point, so I might hear her coming in. He said she's also a therapist, so she knows he's with a client and will be quiet and stay out of the way.

He's never mentioned his partner before. I didn't much like her being mentioned (possibly an understatement), but I guess he didn't have a choice. I did hear her come in, and I was glad that I'd been warned. Also now I'm wondering who she is, of course, because I know the face of every therapist in town…

I sat silently and awkwardly for a while, as I often do at the beginning of the session. I was trying to process what he'd just said, and also wondering about what I wanted to say, and whether I was brave enough to do it.

He checked in with me and I told him my mind had gone 'radio static’, which is how I describe it when I get bombarded with too many thoughts and shut down or freeze up.

Eventually I started to talk about the end of last week's session. I said “at the end of last week… I can't remember exactly what you said, but it was something like… that I deserve to be cared for, to be treated with kindness…”

He interjected then, wanting to clarify that when he'd said those things he'd been referring to a conversation we'd had earlier in the session. I knew that, and I wasn't sure why he needed to clarify it, and I started to feel bad, like I'd said something wrong. So I grabbed my sheet (which T keeps in the room for me in case I want to cover myself up, that’s another story I guess) and wrapped myself in it, so that just my face was visible. Whilst I was unfolding it to do that I remarked that I was trying to do it carefully so that it'd be easier to fold up again afterwards, because I'm so rubbish at doing it neatly. He said not to worry, that he'd fold it after I'd gone. I said that I'd noticed how good he is at it. He asked if I was okay with a bit of self-disclosure (stupid question, because of course once he's said that I'm going to have to know) - I felt a bit anxious and said “depends what it is!” followed by “...go on then…”

He said that many years ago he used to work in a laundry on an oil rig.

I laughed at that… said that I'd noted his folding ability, but not guessed that was where his skill had come from.

I felt a bit safer now that I was under the sheet, and because we'd laughed together a bit. I explained that when he'd said I was worthy of care and kindness, I thought it should have felt good, I wish it had felt good… but it didn't. Part of me had felt very angry.

He said that he really believed it, that it had been important to him to say it. He apologised if that was… I think he said 're-offending’... that part of me. I was feeling more anger rise in me, and said that he was.

We talked about what my reaction might mean, why that part of me might feel angry. I said I had been thinking about it all week and hadn't quite worked it out. I thought it might be about not believing him, but that was confusing to me because on one level I believe that I'm as worthy of care and kindness as anyone else is.

He interjected again and said that he wanted to be clear that when he'd said it he wasn't referring to everyone in general, but specifically to me. Hearing that was like I'd had enough. I started to cry. I shook my head. I said “I don't believe you.”

He asked if I didn't believe that he meant it, or if I just didn't believe it was really true. I had to think about that for a minute. I said that I was pretty sure that I believed he meant it. I just felt that it wasn't true. I felt that he was wrong. He said he was glad that I believed he meant it.

I tried to describe what had happened just then… it had been like the black ball of shame and hate deep inside me had been stirred up, and it had just said… “f*** off”.

He said something therapisty like “what would it be like to really express that to me?”

So I took a moment to really get in touch with the angry part of me... and then I looked him in the eye... and told him to f*** off.

So that was fun. Unfortunately that part of me kind of took over then and I started to feel really really bad. Self-destructive. I think it was around now, in a moment of silence, that I heard his partner come in. I stayed silent until I was sure she’d gone to a different part of the house.



I can’t remember exactly what went on after this. I think there was a fairly long period of silence. Then we talked about some of my feelings about having to leave him soon, and how I’m also still trying to deny the reality of it a bit.

He commented something like “I bet C [new T] doesn’t have a sheet for you to cover yourself in!” I laughed and said no, he doesn’t - though I did mention it to him… T looked slightly embarrassed when I said that, kinda bashful… I’m not sure why. Is he wondering what another T thought of his ‘unconventional’ methods?

I continued, saying that although he doesn’t have anything for me to cover myself in, I really like the room that C works from. It has a couple of seating options, and some really nice cushions. I took that opportunity to take the piss out of T a bit, telling him how rubbish his cushions are and how I’d always hated them. He took this in the spirit it was intended, I think, but he also said that he has nicer cushions elsewhere in the house, and offered to get some for me! I declined, though I thought it was sweet of him to offer. He reflected that perhaps his trying to get me cushions was another way of trying to show me that I am worthy of care.

It was coming towards the end of the session. I picked up my glass of water and it dripped on my lap - it always ends up sitting in a pool of condensation on the glass table so this is a common occurrence. I said “this is what happens when you don’t have coasters!” - a reference to a complaint I’d made very early on in our work together. He laughed and said he was sorry about his lack of coasters, and his rubbish cushions… and I said “but nothing is as bad as the fake cupboard door…!”

I’m realising that whole paragraph probably makes very little sense to anyone. And that’s because apparently me and my T have ‘in-jokes’ now.

I am going to miss him so f***ing much.