I use phone alarms sometimes, but sometimes they will ding just a reminder, like it's so-and-so's birthday today (so I won't look at it, need to change the tones for that), or I forgot to turn it off silent after leaving the pdoc or T. Seriously, this morning and today, I was BAD. (Honestly, I think H felt badly because he never realized the extent of my problems when they are the absolute worst though I have tried and tried to tell him time and again.) H could tell I wasn't faking it and that was just cleaning one kitchen counter. I don't know if it's the medication mixed with the racing thoughts or what. I do recall I had some problems remembering names of common lab tools teaching microbiology lab as a TA, and I was on Wellbutrin then but also Effexor. I don't know if I will have to stop Wellbutrin altogether or will be able to function better on the lower dose. If I have to stop the Wellbutrin but still need an AD, I may ask the pdoc if I can go back on Cymbalta; I took that ages ago and for awhile seemed to do fine on it, several years really. It would be easier than getting off Effexor, which for some strange reason seems to work for me & without a weight gain (but I do get the same horrible withdrawal symptoms most people get).

I don't know if it was just because I had only taken the morning meds like 30 minutes prior that it was so bad (though they must stay in the system awhile, what with me doing things like waking my daughter early, before taking any psych meds, morning or otherwise and just Protonix). I am 99% sure Protonix is not the culprit. I never take morning psych meds until my daughter is at school and appts. are taken care of. I get the earliest possible morning appts. for things I can get.

Still, it's scary that some days I function that way almost all of the day though I do better by afternoon, and other days it doesn't happen at all or it is just a couple of minor things, like I put mix up the mail to me and the mail to H. I tried to explain it to H, and he just didn't seem to get it until this morning. I am having bad anxiety & panic along with the mixed & racing thoughts saying I should do this, that, and the other, I'm a lousy mom, I need to concentrate on X, but someone is talking to me, I have to listen to that too and am possibly on a medication making it worse, which is not a good place to be. Though I did promise H I never do drive when I am like that, and usually, it is occurs after taking the morning psych meds (I never take those before driving my daughter to school or going to an appt.). Really, I don't think Lamictal or Klonopin (Klonopin doesn't make me sleepy) or Buspar and certainly not Docolace would do that, not even Adderall since it only lasts around 12 hr I think, so it would not be affecting me the next morning round. I know people have had issues with Lamictal, but I have been on this dosage several years (3-4 years) without issue. Or maybe this happens if I take these meds too close to the Protonix, who knows?

I don't think the night meds are the problem, but if changing the dose or lowering Wellbutrin doesn't help, I guess we'll look there next. Though honestly, being mixed is its own form of hell. I never got what people meant by saying they feel manic and depressive symptoms close to one another or even at the same time, I was like, that's impossible, they're full of it, but now I do, and it is really the worst of both worlds for me. Used to, I'd get 2, 3 hypomanic periods a year; once a hypomanic or possibly semi-normal mood lasted 6 months for me. And now I've been stuck mixed practically forever.

Even posting here, half the time I'm looking up a word to be able to spell it correctly or synonyms of a word because I can't find exactly the right word in my brain to use at the moment. That 2nd trait makes me talk weirdly, using not the word I wanted or going back and rewording the sentence from the start. And to think I used to want to major in English in college! I had extremely high spelling and writing skills. In high school, the internet was in its infancy, and you either had to know the spelling of a word or look it up, and plaigarism was more trouble than it was worth what with all the books you'd have to pull and it's not like ever found research answers in one book or the paper on the assignment just right there, start to finish, in one research book. Often, the high school librarian would ask to see my work (I'd let her, it was a small school, figured a second opinion wouldn't hurt), and she'd say, "You wrote this? This is really good!" dealing with whatever English assignment I had at the time.

It's been a frustrating day, and even though it sucks, at least H knows the extent of the problems I've been trying and trying to tell him I have.