September...

Shortly after I posted before I had an insight, but haven't been able to get back to this until now....

So plunging ahead..... While still a fledgling dragon, the seperation between he and I was hardly noticeable.... If you looked closely, he was just a few negative thoughts mixed with the usual, average thoughts any boy might have... as the negative experiences mounted, the dragon becomes more defined, feelings that can't be understood are swallowed up by the dragon. But he doesn't become a dragon until that first outburst.... the one that first asks... why me? Maybe it was something done that expressed the hurt that had built up.... something that caused a regret... At that instant, the dragon is born... For the first time we recognize an ugly side of ourself, something we don't feel congruent with, some part of us we don't want to posess... we react in horror?, panic?, surprise?, fear?, guilt?, anger?... whatever the response, the line is drawn..... There is suddenly "good me" and another.. "something". Now we begin to heal ourselves, purge ourselves, seperate our selves..... from ourselves. The dragon becomes something we must cure.. we must exorcise.. we must change.. we must stop.. we don't want it to be a part of us... it's power is unpredictable... We begin to build a fortress in our mind, our heart... against the dragon... we become two selves... good me/bad me. We immerse ourself in self help, wandering, wondering, seeking, looking for "the answers".. the division grows... as good me gets stronger.. the alter ego/ dragon keeps pace with it... as the dragone gets stronger, we work more and more desperatly to be better, purer... it's important to us our self image be good, something we can be proud of, show our mother, our children, the minister, the boss... we hide the dark side.. we deny the dark side, we fight the dark side.. we're confused.. we lost track.. the dragon is still us... the dragon is the pain we felt when we were hurt.. the one who wants to cry out life is not fair.. cry out that he's misunderstood.. cry out that he's killing himself.. crys that others are killing him... cry out he's too weak to bear this.. crys that he can't go on like this anymore.... good me wants him to dissolve.. stop hurting good me.. leave good me alone... good me can't understand where anger, this dark thing, this dark cloud, this pain.... good me works harder and harder to become better and better, but dragon is always right there, thwarting everything good me does... good me feels despair, good me needs to escape... good me is holding his head, running thru alleys in the night... good me puts on faces.... he doesn't want others to know, but he's dying.....

The dragon begins to have spines, things that when touched, anger him... triggers... He's angry from being unheard, unanswered, unappreciated (yes unappreciated), he demands attention, he WILL be heard.... his pet peeves become harder, louder, furious.. good me puts him in a box.. tries to wall him in.. learns to avoid his triggers.... sometimes, unaware, he inflicts a wound on dragon.. dragon roars to life... ready to devour, destroy the things that made him.. but his rage is incredible... all fight.. all vengence, all anger... He has no mind... only emotion, pain, anger, frustration, fury... He needs our help to attack his attackers.. his creators.... things like cruelty, hatred, exploitation, greed, aggression, violence, abuse, manipulation... all the crimes on good me / on society / on civilization / on humanity .... He need a mind to approach these things with aim, constructively.... not with the same mindlessness those things were perpetrated on him with ... blind fury will not solve the problems .... a careful warrior is wise not to become that which he fights ... there is a way..... in an atmosphere of good.. good prevails...

I'm posting this at the risk of sounding completely insane... but the truth (for me) is in there......

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius