Was reading about one of my favourite old school footballers . This guy was tougher than John Wayne . Brave as they come . Was reading about the hidden depression he suffered in silence at the end of his career . He couldn't say anything about it because of the stigma and the perception of being weak . It just about killed him .
It sort of dawned on me part way through reading that I had been suffering it too . I'm not saying to his level ...to anyone's level ...but to my level . I'm not sure how you gauge the severity of it . I guess if you knock yourself off it's severe . I never got to that stage . I did for the first time in my life understand why people do , do that .
So it lasted for the best part of 5 years . I put it down after much thinking on it to a midlife transition as it started when I was 48 . Not saying it wasn't a mix of those things , but now realise the darkest corners of that and the resultant physical and mental symptoms were depression .
So I never saw any practitioners of any kind , so never took medication or spoke to anyone about it . I sort of don't go to any type of doctor ever . Or at least I haven't apart from going in there busted up after a rock fall . I had never failed at anything in my life and was an underground miner , there is no room for perceived weakness . So I struggled along . Cleaning up my life helped a bit . Increasing my fitness helped a bit .Ticking off achievements helped a bit . Setting and achieving goals against all the odds helped a bit . Lowering my expectations of myself and cutting myself some slack helped a bit .Little by little I recovered even though it didn't seem like I was at times . Slowly , and not so surely the chemical levels in my brain sorted themselves out .I'm now feeling like I have beaten it ... for now , hopefully forever . It's effected me the fight , I'm not the same as I was before . I've lost some feelings I wish I hadn't , I've also gained some new feelings which I'm pleased I have now . I've learnt some stuff .
This is not a " look how tough I am " speech .. it's the same message as my hero footballer . Look how stupid I've been . To be so affected and not seek help is just plain crazy ... even if you just don't understand what's going on . I've been lucky .