The title is a little misleading -- I can't be getting better when I don't even have my medicines to help even me out. However, despite the fact I've spilled my guts here a few times about my issues, let's just sum it up to this point: I can't afford to see a doctor or my medicines and probably won't for some time longer. I'm working on it, but it's not gonna change too soon.

I'm getting worse, and in a weird way. I'm not hitting new lows, or deeper in depression per se-- it's more like a lateral shift, more symptoms, thoughts and feelings blunted and colored by depression. This isn't the lowest I ever felt, but it's the most extreme I've felt. It's kind of like I'm used to buying just the sandwich at the restaurant, and I've now got the full meal.. if that analogy makes more sense. It's like a whole array of symptoms that I'm not really used to with my depression. But again, it doesn't seem "worse" as in a deeper depression, just a much more entailed one.

I've been wrestling with the idea of maybe going inpatient. I don't know why I waste my time with such thoughts -- even if I could get accepted (Not likely-- I'm not suicidal or a harm to myself or others), what good would it really do? I couldn't afford it anyway. It's ridiculous to think something is really going to change my problems that doesn't involve me just sucking it up and doing it. It's hard for me to even get up in the morning, let alone do anything. I do not have the energy to rebuild my life from scratch after working so damn hard to make that life happen in the first place. It's not worth it, it wasn't the first time-- despite all hope, it's not now. That isn't a suicidal cry, that's simply fact. I have given up because I don't see the use. I'm sorry I'm being so negative lately-- I'll probably dissappear yet again for months at a time (which isn't just online, it's my entire life.. I'm prone to doing it) so don't worry about these threads bombarding all the intellectual and positive reinforcement you all are known for.


Have a great day guys.