Yeah, I need to. I'm actually doing decently with the ED stuff. I haven't exercised this weekend; yesterday morning was rainy, but today was not. Over the weekend, I tend to eat what H and my daughter eat (though my daughter's meal is usually whatever we are having as deconstructed as possible). I'm seeing my T again tomorrow; she is a licensed clinical social worker as well and said possibly she can help me with filling out some forms for local aid, considering I now have an official doctor's disability note. If you read the form my pdoc filled out, you probably wouldn't want to hire me or even know me. But he did basically state I can't be retrained or expected to work in less strenuous (mental) fields or even physical one for life; my condition is permanent (by this he means the BP and PTSD, maybe the panic disorder too for all I know). That his belief I could hold down a part-time job was 0 and then he laid out all the diagnoses, along with tidbits about my decompensations, etc., so yeah, it's a pretty definitive mental disability form. So we'll see.

I have also realized I must not easily convey in my person or by spoken word when I'm having a hard time to H. That makes it hard because I feel like I don't have H's support. I'll copy in part some of what I wrote on the ED board. Sorry if you post on that board and read this twice; I don't have the energy to rewrite it.

H and I had a long talk last week about our marriage, my psych diagnoses, he blew off the ED. But then, I told H, you don’t understand, the running connects to my weight, connects to my self-esteem and anxiety. I don’t want his pity or telling me what to do, but I do want him to realize I am fighting the same monster I did in college (still the toughest thing I have ever done) and to realize while the solution might be simple to him, it is not so straightforward to me. I know I ultimately make my own fate. Even if a person ends up weight restored after a stay at an ED place, the instant they get out, they will go back to their old ways unless they truly want to change.

But IDK, I think I am not able to stress my problems well or even my pain (physical or otherwise). I told H I was having problems with my memory, and I don’t think he took it seriously until he saw it firsthand yesterday when I was just trying to clean one kitchen counter. And then, he was like whoa! Call your pdoc right now! ...H said he’d thought I was acting a little ditzy and that was the forgetfulness I was talking about, but he in no way realized how bad it was. Suddenly, H clicked to that this issue is extremely urgent.

Same thing happened when I was pregnant, having contractions, dilated 6 cm when we got to the hospital. All morning I had told H I was having contractions, but I guess I acted so calm about the amount of pain (which got worse and worse and was very, very great, only outdone by the pain of ulcer surgery) until our last 30 minutes or so at home when I was crying from the pain and told H we needed to go to the hospital now. He kept saying no way was I having contractions; he'd thought I was crying from the hormones and frustration from going past my given due date. Later he said I just didn’t seem to convey by looking at me quite how much pain I was in, and he'd always heard childbirth was painful, and I was like, yeah! It is! When we got to the hospital, I was 6 cm dilated, and by 9 PM that night we had a new baby girl.

So part of my marriage difficulties may be that I don’t easily convey very extreme, hard, or difficult things even to H which makes it often seem to others if I say things are bad or very bad, they just can’t be, looking at things on the surface.

I think the CPS case will be closed soon. The caseworker said she sent it off to her supervisor for approval, so fingers crossed, that will be one less thing to worry about.