I am so very sorry that depression has wreaked havoc on your lives.

I expect that it is difficult at times to remember that she is ill, she didn’t choose to be depressed, and when she acts as you described it is her illness that is doing the acting, not the person that you fell in love with.

I don’t recommend couples counseling now, I think she would need to be more like her nondepressed self to be able to participate in it and benefit from it.

Has she been to a psychiatrist and tried medications?

It would be important in my view for the children to understand in an age-appropriate way that Mommy is not well and this is why she is not often available to them.

If therapy is not possible you might want to consider calling a listening hotline such as this one, for support for you: Caring Contact - We're Here To Listen