It's good to have you posting. I hope you don't disappear.
I am also apt to disappear, drop out of sight, for months at a time. I try hard to stay as a regular here because I both get and give here and it means a lot to me.
I am sorry about the "fullness" of your current experience with depression. It may not seem temporary; yet, it is bound to change.
Your predicament is a tough one to solve; yet, not impossible.
Do you need help obtaining meds? Several members here are very well-informed on some ways to obtain meds w/o coverage, etc. Just ask!
You aren't being as negative as you likely think you are being.
Stick around!

WC