If I struggled to put decent clothes on my own back, how on earth could me and Fred afford to have Kids? There is never an ideal time for anything I know that. But I wanted to be comfortable and be able to take my kids away to experience things out with this God for saken town. We hadn't started saving to get married. I just had to buckle down for a few years and get my degree and get a real job first. Not just for me. For us.
I had to get a better job. I SHOULD have a better job. This isn't where I am supposed to be. I sacrificed part of my youth and what have I got to show for all my blood, sweat and tears? A man who claimed to love me yet says : I am not just with you because I feel sorry for you. I wasn't ugly? I sure as hell wasn't dumb? And I was good at this job. Because I had been in rehab for ONE month. I had fully recovered. I don't get it. I had gone further than I thought possible with my sport. I chose to leave school. Some of my reasons were similar to Freds. We both left in fifth year and we both hated the year we did at college. So were we too alike? I lost count of the times the tears came when showering. I locked myself in the bathroom when he got too over powering and I got scared. He would eventually leave me be, but he would come back up stairs and I could hear the floor creaking. And I would think, I must be over reacting. And we would watch something on tv together. He would demand I say sorry but he didn't apologise. "Take it back" or you"ll be sorry, he would say.
I wasn't abusing drugs or alcohol either. I was a hard worker. My supervisor said I was her right hand man. I got the hard stuff to do. I took one pill at night and that was it. The reason had faded into the back round. But Fred wouldn't let me forget.
I told Fred he would be a good dad and I waited for a response. I waited years and he evaded it. I said he had all these connections that one day he could do property development. Just a place here and there in spare time. Not a business or full time job. But doing up our own place was hard work but the rewards were more than worth it after the transformation. I helped lay the laminate flooring, chose a colour and painted the summer house.