Today is the anniversary of my mom's death. It is always a rough day. Since we are staying with my step-dad though until our house is finished, we are going to her favorite restaurant tonight.

My drivers license suspension hearing is today.

While, I have done an excellent job of restraining from self-medicating lately I struggle with fighting the temptation to fall back on other actions I do during swings. It's like that cartoon of the devil and the angel on your shoulder. One telling me to ahead it will feel good. The other reminding me of the consequences. I'm trying so hard to listen to the angel. If I screw up the progress I've made with H and kids will push them away for good.

I just feel sick.

My life is such a wreck. It's my own fault. If only I had been able to kill myself that night. The havoc I dump on everyone would go away. H is so good about telling me he'd be devastated. I get he would initially but people move. He's such a handsome and caring guy he'd find someone else who wasn't a tornado to live with.