T today. As he retrieved me I realized we were both wearing stripes. Went back and sat down, brief conversation about the rainy weather. Then T, somewhat randomly, said (greeting-like): "Hey." Me: "Uh, hi." T: "How are you?" Me: "Doing OK."

I said there was something from last session I wanted to ask about. T: "OK." Me: "I wanted to ask before, but I was kind of afraid of your answer." T: "That's kind of a setup, but OK." Me: "I was asking what you'd think if I didn't show up. I mean, I don't plan to do that, but...I guess I was wondering what would happen if didn't. Would you try to contact me?" T: "Well, you're so reliable, like I can time you to the minute. So if you were even 5 minutes late, I'd probably text to ask if you were running late." Me: "Oh, OK. So...out of curiosity, what if I didn't respond to that?" T: "Well, I might give it 24, maybe 48 hours. But I'd try to contact you again. I'd probably call this time. To see if you were OK." Me: "OK, that makes me feel better. I was afraid you'd just be like, 'Oh well, I guess LT isn't coming back!' and cancel any scheduled sessions."

T: "No, I'd check in with you. Because I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't just not show up without contacting me. I'd wonder if I'd made a mistake on my schedule." Me: "OK, because even if I was mad at you, I wouldn't just not show up." T: "I know, because you'd probably be eaten alive by guilt." Me: "Yeah. So, I guess...I mean, honestly part of why I brought this up before was an article I'd read. Where a client was really reliable and then one day didn't show up. So the T tried to contact her and find out what happened. And it turned out...uh...something bad had happened to her. So...I guess I was just wondering, if you'd try to find out if I was OK." T: "Of course I'd try to find out if you were OK." Me: "OK, good. I guess I was afraid...I don't know, that you'd just send me an email with an invoice saying that I owed you $175 for the missed session." T: "I'd never lead with that." Me: "OK, good."

For some reason, football came up. I mentioned about how my fantasy team had done. Then I was like, "I have about 5 things I could maybe talk about today." T: "Was football one of them?" Me: "Well, no...so, OK, moving on!"

I mentioned how H said he'd run into ex-MC the previous weekend. And for him it wasn't a big deal at all, but I imagine it would have been for me. That they had a brief exchange. I said since H and I often hang out in the city where T lives, I imagined there was a chance I could run into him at some point. And...I assumed he would wait for me to make contact, because that seems the typical rule? He said not the rule for everyone, but generally the case. That he tends to run into former or current clients every few weeks. And it can feel a bit awkward for him. Especially if it's someone he hasn't seen in a while or that he only saw briefly.

He also said he tends not to be overly aware of the people around him if he's doing a task, like if he's grocery shopping, he's focused on the oranges and apples and lettuce. That maybe I'd be there in the store, but I'm not lettuce, so he might not notice me. I asked what if I said hi, and he said he'd respond to a signal like that, just that he otherwise might not notice. I said I tend to be like that, too, when I'm out. Or if I see someone out of context, it's hard for me to sort of process who they are. He said same for him, the trouble pulling faces and names. I said, "But you'd recognize a current client, right?" T: "Yes, definitely." That it's more people he saw briefly or parents of a teen he sees.

I mentioned ex-MC again. Said I was going to a concert later this week by the same band I'd seen the night I wrote him the fateful "I love you" email. I said there are songs of theirs that I associate with him, even though it probably wouldn't make any sense hearing the lyrics. How one of them I just used to listen to when I left his office for some reason, so I associate it with him. T: "That makes sense." Me: "So I feel in a way like this concert is a test, if I can handle it, because one of those songs they always play in the encore. But I'll be with H, so I think I should be OK." T: "Maybe don't drink too much there." Me: "Yeah..."

I asked if T wanted to discuss the email more from the other day. Where I'd reflected on the year I'd been seeing him and he'd replied that he was proud of me for what I'd accomplished and saw "a budding strength" in me. I said it felt good to hear him say he thought I was doing better and that it validated my thoughts. He said he'd wanted to mention before that he thought I was making progress, but hesitated to do so without my saying anything. He said since I said it, he felt OK confirming it. T: "I didn't want to say it before because I was afraid if you thought I was proud of how you were doing, you might want me to keep feeling that way. So maybe if you weren't doing as well as I thought you were, you'd be reluctant to tell me." Me: "Like, I'd want to be the good client?" T: "Yes, like that." Me: "And please you?" T: "Yes, that's what I was concerned about. So that's why I didn't say anything." Me: "I thought you were going to go in a different direction. That you were concerned if you said I was doing well, I'd think you wanted me to come less often. Or to stop coming at all." T: "I hadn't thought of that, but it makes sense, too."

Me: "The thing is...I was thinking about it, and I'm not sure if ex-T ever really said she was proud of me? Or that she thought I'd made a lot of progress. Part of what made me leave in the end was she was saying how I still struggled with anxiety and depression, and it felt like she thought I hadn't made progress. While I thought I'd made a lot of progress. So it was really hard for me." T: "I can imagine." Me: "But the thing is, I mean, I'm probably going to struggle with anxiety and depression in some level my whole life, right? It's not realistic to expect it to go away, it's more about finding ways to cope.Right?" T: "yes, as I've said, you're a 'double dipper' (genetic and socialized for anxiety/depression). So it's not like it will just go away. You may learn to cope with it at a level that you might not think about it for months or even years. But it may still be there. It's not the same as someone who hasn't had mental health issues before who suddenly has to deal with something in life--they could fully bounce back." Me: "Yeah...but it was hard to think she felt I should have improved more. It felt kind of like I was a failure..."

T: "I'm curious as to how you feel about your whole experience with her." Me: "Hm...Well, I think she really helped me with anxiety in the first few years. But then once the transference with ex-MC started...I don't know. I feel like she didn't know how to deal with that." T: "It was probably more complicated that she worked with him, that he was her colleague and friend." Me: "And technically boss..." T: "Yeah, and they worked spitting distance from each other--I don't know why they say 'spitting distance.' It probably would have been better to have been seeing someone outside of that, who had distance from it." Me: "Yeah...and some people said when I opted to see you, once I learned that you used to work with them--apparently I should have studied your CV!--but they said you were probably too close, too."

Talked about how ex-T would be critical of ex-MC. Like I'd tell her how a phone call from him helped me, and then she'd say, "He shouldn't be talking to you on the phone." And that would feel hurtful to me, because it was like, did I not deserve for him to care about/help me in that way? And how once I was like, "I probably shouldn't tell you how long we talked on the phone," and she said, "I don't want to know." T said he understood how that was difficult for me. I said I felt she should have dealt with it on her own. T: "Or gone to ex-MC and said, 'What the f*** are you doing?'" Me: "Yeah..."

I said was likely complicated, too, because I was expressing my preference for ex-MC to ex-T. Like listening more to what he said, trusting him more. How maybe that was hard for her. I also mentioned how she just randomly suggested at one point that I go into the hospital, and I didn't even think I was doing that badly then. I said how later when i questioned that, she said she felt she'd gotten too close to me and maybe wasn't being objective, so she was trying to distance herself more. T seemed to understand how the hospital suggestion would upset me. T: "In the time I've been seeing you, I've never felt you needed to be hospitalized." Me: "Thanks. But even when the stuff was first happening with ex-MC and the email? I was in a pretty bad place then." T: "Yes, you were pretty distraught, but I didn't feel you were in danger." Me: "Yes, I guess you were right."

I said how I felt at first, he was sort of siding with ex-MC, how it was difficult for me. T said he didn't want to be too critical of him because I probably had some good stuff come out of that relationship, too. And he didn't want to taint that or take the positive parts away from me. I said there were definitely good parts, and I hadn't thought of it in that way regarding his reaction.

Was about end of session. Me: "So I realized something. For the past month or so, I've been able to talk about ex-MC in here without crying." [I start tearing up.] "Great, now I'm starting to cry!" T: "I think that shows the progress you've made in your grief." Me: "Yeah." (appreciating that he refers to it as "grief" because that's what it is).

Me: "I know we have to stop, but I do appreciate you saying you're proud of me. I understand why you didn't say it before, but I'm glad you said it now." T just smiled.

Confirmed Thursday. T: "The next week will be weird for me." He said he'd only be in office Mon. and Tues., "but that's the only session I should miss in October." I opted for Tuesday. Went over to pay and commented how I hoped it wasn't raining, because I thought I had umbrella in the car but didn't. T: "I finally bought an umbrella the other day. They're only like $5, I don't know why I didn't just buy one." Me: "Yeah." Shook hands as T said, "Good luck out there!" Me: "You, too." T: "Maybe it will be sunny for next session." Me: "Maybe?" T: "Take care." Me: "You, too."