No one understands it. I'm so tired of the same old rhetoric. "You have so much potential. You've got to fight. It sucks but you can do it." or the opposite, less helpful "How are you any different than anyone else, that's life". Well, let me tell you this. I wasn't happy before my life fell to ****. I had to fight my whole life. For survival, for education, for independence, for my career, etc. It's always been a non ending struggle and I am so tired and I have no want to fight anymore. I lost everything based on my own actions this time and I have no want or energy to rebuild it. I wasn't happen before hand, how is working so hard to TRY to get back the remenants I can going to help? I am not suicidal, but I have pretty much given up. The problem is within me. And to those who want to retort with how are my problems different than anyone else? They're right. they're not. I'm just not strong enough to keep going or find the will to see it being worthwhile. This is "life" but it's not one I'm going to put anymore blood sweat and tears into to live so unhappily. I've been encouraged to work on getting things back together.. which is why I'm trying to get medicaid, and fix this unemployment crap. I've been without meds, insurance, and a job for months now and I've not done anything. I've wallowed in self pity and I don't feel ashamed for it. I'm also damn tired of the world telling me I'm wrong to not want to fight anymore. This is where I am.

Maybe meds will help bring my mood up at least temporarily enough to get things back on track. my track record with meds indicate it'll only help a little while. I don't know what is going to happen with me. I really do feel I'm inbetween any kind of help. I'm beyond the help I have now, but not bad enough to have any more intensive care (not in this area anyway-- the closest psychiatric facility is 2 hours away, and it's not equipped with intensive outpatient and being non-suicidal means non-admittance anyway. Not that I could afford it.). My therapist is still in contact with me and has been gracious enough to work with me, but therapy isn't doing much right now. I don't have support. I don't have anything. I'm dealing with this essentially alone and damn it I'm doing the best I possibly can considering.

So does this mean I'm a piece of crap who is too lazy to put his life together? maybe. I am a coward and stupid? Sure. I'm hurting everyone else? Hard to hurt anyone when you're alone, but I'll accept that one too. You're not going to be able to throw anything at me that will make my feelings disappear. You're not going to be able to coerce me into changing by pitting me against guilt and blame of hurting others. I know I need help-- but I don't think I'm going to find it. This is my desperation talking I guess.

Sorry for the long rant. It doesn't change anything but I just wanted to let it out. This is a sign that I'm coming unhinged you know -- I usually only post relatively interesting or positive things, and anymore all I can do is have these mini meltdowns for others to see.


Again, let me reiterate I am not suicidal or a harm to myself or others -- but I'm far too gone mentally and emotionally to fight on.