That sounds like a really difficult session. I wanted to say that I really identify with the part I quoted here (kept it under trigger warning to be safe). I have these same fears and feelings about my T. After what happened with ex-MC--and T saying that I should have expected a strong reaction after telling ex-MC I loved him--I feel like I have to hide my feelings. At this point, I love T, and I feel I could never tell him that. And I hate that. From stuff with ex-MC and other stuff from my past, I feel like my loving someone is some scary thing that I have to keep under wraps or risk losing them (I was terrified when I first realized I loved H, for example). Like my love is a poison almost, or at least a threat.

I felt strong caring in T's eyes yesterday, maybe even bordering on love? But that scares me, because if it's there...then it could go away. I could do something to make it go away. Because I also got that from ex-MC... I also fear the asking for too much, needing too much. I've already pushed too much once or twice with email. (And the whole stone thing.) But then yesterday, he was saying that I talked about one time a couple months ago that I didn't email him, because I feared being too much, and he said (yesterday) that I did myself a disservice then, how I should have just emailed. But I don't think he realizes what the fear is like... The line may be very clear in his head, but I can't see it. I don't know when I might cross it, so I tend to err on the side of maybe staying too far back from it. Or getting close, then being like "Oh no" and running away. He says he'll be honest with me (and has been) if anything is anywhere approaching too much, and I don't think he understands how scary that is for me.

Anyway, sorry to derail there...I think I need to discuss some of this with him (minus the love part of course). And maybe it would help you to discuss some of these thoughts/fears with your T as well?