Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight
That sounds like a really difficult session. I wanted to say that I really identify with the part I quoted here (kept it under trigger warning to be safe). I have these same fears and feelings about my T. After what happened with ex-MC--and T saying that I should have expected a strong reaction after telling ex-MC I loved him--I feel like I have to hide my feelings. At this point, I love T, and I feel I could never tell him that. And I hate that. From stuff with ex-MC and other stuff from my past, I feel like my loving someone is some scary thing that I have to keep under wraps or risk losing them (I was terrified when I first realized I loved H, for example). Like my love is a poison almost, or at least a threat.
I felt strong caring in T's eyes yesterday, maybe even bordering on love? But that scares me, because if it's there...then it could go away. I could do something to make it go away. Because I also got that from ex-MC... I also fear the asking for too much, needing too much. I've already pushed too much once or twice with email. (And the whole stone thing.) But then yesterday, he was saying that I talked about one time a couple months ago that I didn't email him, because I feared being too much, and he said (yesterday) that I did myself a disservice then, how I should have just emailed. But I don't think he realizes what the fear is like... The line may be very clear in his head, but I can't see it. I don't know when I might cross it, so I tend to err on the side of maybe staying too far back from it. Or getting close, then being like "Oh no" and running away. He says he'll be honest with me (and has been) if anything is anywhere approaching too much, and I don't think he understands how scary that is for me.
Anyway, sorry to derail there...I think I need to discuss some of this with him (minus the love part of course). And maybe it would help you to discuss some of these thoughts/fears with your T as well?  |
I really related to the stone thing. It was the kind of thing I would have wanted to ask for/would have felt, and the reaction was exactly the reaction I'm terrified of getting. I'm glad your T was able to eventually understand better and be okay with it, but I'm sorry he reacted that way in the first place and I can only imagine how hurtful that must have been.
It's where a lot of my shame comes from, like if he knew he wouldn't even be able to look at me without being disgusted, would be horrified by it. He says it's okay to be vulnerable and want to be cared about, etc, and that it's understandable that I wanted my mom to be there and comfort me when I was a kid, but he's not my parent and I'm an adult now and I'm scared of the reaction that that's not what he meant and it's different and unacceptable.
And I'm probably catastrophizing. I wrote a note like a few weeks or a month ago (because I couldn't say it aloud) about wanting too much from him, it being shameful and disgusting, etc. and he thanked me for trusting him and said it must have been really hard for me to tell him that and was super understanding/validating/nonjudgmental, and a few sentences into it it became clear that he thought I meant erotic/romantic transference and I was like nooooo, that's definitely not what I meant (I don't judge others for ET, it's just not something I have with him and with my much more parental type transference and the child-like place that it comes from it's kind of a squick to think about the idea of feeling that way about him). But I still haven't been able to tell him exactly what I want from him other than I want him to care about me.
I keep thinking back to very early on, before the whole termination thing in May, when I asked him if I could show him my self harm scars (upper arms, not like taking my clothes off). He thought about it and then said he didn't think it would be a good idea based on what I'd told him before about wanting other people to "react" to it and seem bothered by it, and that he was worried that however he responded/reacted I would find a way to use it against myself or something (I don't remember how exactly he phrased it). He was right to say no, and I appreciate that he thought about it and thought about what would be in my best interests.
And, at the same time, it really really stung to be told no and I felt guilty and ashamed for asking for something that I shouldn't have asked for and for having wanted him to care and for having thought he might have some kind of reaction to seeing my scars. (He's seen them since then because it's been hot and I've worn shorter sleeves at times, but I wasn't really trying to scrutinize him for a reaction, mostly because he probably would have been able to tell and that wasn't something I was "supposed to"/"allowed to" do.)
And I don't want to have something like that happen again. I want to have learned my lesson. I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I don't want to ask for too much again.
Thank you for responding. I don't see it as derailing, I really appreciate that I'm not the only one and it helps me feel less ashamed because I don't think it's something
you should have to feel ashamed for, like the whole "what would you say to someone else in the same position" kind of thing.