Thanks MIss charlotte for a lovely reply. The thing at the moment is the feeling like I am a monster. My intellect knows otherwise somewhere within, I think. I've had more email contact this morning with T, I had a very bad night and woke up freezing cold and feeling like I had a fever, I'm not sure if its the upset I am feeling at the moment, but as I lie there I felt so ill and I am an atiest but it was like suddenly someone "greater" than me was trying to tell me something. I suddenly became very aware that I avoid living in the real world in a proper way, and that if I were to die last night my greatest regret was the wall I have around me that prevents me from feeling love that is available to me in my real life and all the stuff in my head means nothing in your last hour. I had to email T this morning in a desperate attempt to get reasurrance that she isn't about to dump me and she replied that she isn't about to dump me nor does she have a wish too either, that I have only destroyed us/her in fantasy and it is only temporary. I replied that the not wishing to end working with me was reasurring and deep down I know she's one of the good guys and it sickens me that I could be this way with her...she said that this is what therapy is, difficult words and feelings...I keep crying...I am sad that I've wasted my life hiding...hopefully this pain is progress and not a rut...