Most of the other Ts working in my Ts practice seemed to be in today. Could hear lots of chatter while waiting. Kind of wondered what people think of my sessions compared to what they seem to do, I think at least half of my sessions are usually just filled with silence and sobbing/crying.

Anyways, T came and we went to his office. I said I had a question before we start. I'll have to get a job soon, probably in the town where my partner lives. But that will mean that I will not live in the same 'state' as my T works anymore. And I didn't know how it works with insurance, whether I would be still allowed to see him in this situation. T said it shouldn't be a problem. We are free to choose doctors from all over the country here, apparently. He asked whether I planned on working in that city then? I said yes. T mentioned that it would mean I have to travel more to see him and I replied that I'm doing that journey already anyways, I only live in Ts town on paper. And I like the commute, I can think about what to discuss on the way there, and write my notes on the way back.

So, my week, my SO has a week off currently. On Saturday we got way too high and threw up all over our apartment. T laughed and mentioned how our dose was a bit high. Then I told him how last night we fought because I couldn't fall asleep. I got angry and woke up my partner in my rage, which he wasn't happy about. But otherwise it's going fine for the most part. Other than he mentioned on the weekend that he ignores my emotions because I have too many. T asked for an example. I said on Sunday I was sad, I don't remember the reason, but there was one. And my partner wouldn't hug me or talk to me or similar, he just ignores it. T said some people do that, it's his way of coping. How that doesn't mean he doesn't care. That maybe he gets sad when I am sad, that that would show empathy and caring as well. It doesn't have to be a hug. I nodded. Then T said people in relationships often get angry. I said I don't know whether that's the case. T said he thinks so, that it's normal. That it doesn't mean that the people in the relationship don't like each other anymore.

I mentioned I had written to my mom about her invitation to a trip to the US. T asked what I had written. I wrote that I don't feel well enough currently and that I'd rather not go. What was her reply? I don't know, I'm now scared to check my e-mails... T asked what she might reply? I said that I also gave some suggestions for a place to eat together in a few weeks. Mom will probably reply to that part and ignore the rest. He asked does that mean she'd be a bit upset? I nodded. He said how I need to tolerate that feeling that she might be mad or upset. But I also need to have faith that she can do the same, she can tolerate these feelings. Just like I'm learning to cope and how to self-sooth when I'm sad, she can do that too.

I said how I had missed him a lot yesterday, but we didn't go into that bit really.

I started hugging my jacked and closed my eyes. T asked what was going on. I said I'm sad. He wanted to know what was making me sad. I said I don't really know... I'm thinking about stuff, but I wasn't thinking those things when I first became sad. He said that doesn't matter, what is it? I replied I'm scared because I feel alone. T said that's probably because of all the trauma around being alone. What does 'being alone' mean to me? I said it means sadness, fear, having nobody who comforts you. He asked whether there was more. I said it means having nobody who listens to anything, to what I experienced today or how I feel. And I can't listen to anyone telling me those things about themselves either. He asked whether my partner is interessted in those things, to which I replied it depends. He likes my hobbies, but my feelings not so much. T said some people show love differently, they don't buy you flowers or hug you all the time, but they still love you. And since we've already been together for a few years, probably my partner likes me, he just shows it differently.

After some silence, I said I feel like I don't have any friends, my boyfriend hates me and my family does too. T asked whether I feel it's bad if people are angry with me. I nodded. Because people leave when they are mad? Yes! He asked more about what happened tonight with my partner. What happened exactly? I told him that I went to bed around 1 am, while my partner stayed awake for some more time until about 3:30. I woke up as he got into bed, went to the bathroom and we snuggled a bit before I tried to sleep again. But I couldn't fall asleep, shifted around a lot, drank some water and had to pee some more because of that. And at some point after like 1.5 hours I started to kick my blanket and rage about how I can't sleep, which woke up my boyfriend and made him mad. T said it was pretty obvious he'd get mad. I said yes, I'd get mad as well! Then we discussed how we've already been in a relationship for six years and how sometimes people get angry, that it's normal. I said I think with me it's more than in a normal relationship, to which T agreed. But he said that everyone has their issues and that my partner probably isn't the easiest person to deal with either.

Then we talked about some of my friends and how I could get into contact with some of them to make me feel less alone.

I started crying again, T brought me a tissue. He asked again what made me sad. I said I didn't know and he told me to just try to feel the emotion, to try to figure out where it comes from. I said I'm upset that I always have to be so scared. That everything is harder because of it. I just want to be normal and have relationships like everyone else. T said I'm allowed to be sad about that. That it's even good, that it is healing. He agreed that life sometimes sucks and that it's not nice to live like this. And said I can be sad about that, to just let myself be sad. Then I cried for a while, tried to feel that I'm sad and about what. Sometimes it was hard to feel, sometimes it worked. Then at some point T helped me calm down since we were nearing the end of the session. When I was more or less calm, he said he thinks it's better to stop here and confirmed with me that we will see on Friday.