I am glad that your promise has kept you from harming yourself. I know how strong the allure can be when things get hard. Can you find something you can do when the urges get bad? You have stayed SI free for three years and you have coped. Maybe you can try using the skills you have used for the time you have not cut to help you through this hard time. I am sorry you are so ambivalent and are so drawn to the addiction right now.

BB