Welcome grace.

I'm low today. Pdoc flatout told me yesterday gain weight, take Remeron, or go to the hospital if the number is not better next appointment. I f***ing hate Remeron; last time on it didn't go well. I just tried to shift from anorexia to bulimia as all I wanted to do on that stuff was eat and sleep. I never, ever felt full. Told pdoc he can prescribe me Remeron, but he could be sure I wouldn't take it.

Yesterday's appt. would have gone better if I hadn't padded out my weight a couple pounds last time I was there, and the pdoc asked what it was. But I had to use the scale yesterday, which would have made the old numbers look good, had I told him my actual weight then. Stupid to lie and put off the lecture for 2 weeks.

I am feeling so guilty for not exercising and eating more, but I can't go into the hospital (really, I am not that thin anyway). Worse, a stupid diet commercial on TV made me feel even more guilty about it. I hate having to gain weight when it seems like all the rest of the world is trying to lose. I know that is not the case, but that is the widespread opinion in the U.S., I think.

Exhausted today, but I'm expecting my cycle to start any day now. Last time most of the ED was caused by overexercise versus restricting, I got very tired too when I stopped exercise. I was beyond exhausted. I was much worse off then, both weight-wise & in amount of daily exercise. But I was also 20 years younger. And my fibromyalgia is flaring.

I have ceased exercise now. It's been raining a lot in the morning lately, and after that, it just gets too hot & humid. So I have actually gained a couple pounds though pdoc didn't realize it since I gave him the wrong number before. He never seemed that concerned about the ED, so I never figured he would put me on his scale.

I think I looked bad yesterday, tired maybe or something, because when H left for work yesterday, he said, "You take care of yourself today" which is not something H usually says when leaving. Usually, it's "I love you. Bye." or "Have a good day". Not "take care of yourself". Maybe that made pdoc put me on the scale, God knows.

The weight should be better on the pdoc's scale next appt. (2 weeks away) since he now has my actual weight.

Even though gaining makes me think I am so fat...ugh!