Quote:
Originally Posted by KnitChick
I had a worker a year ago, who I had feelings for. When I realized I had feelings for him, and they weren't going away, I decided to make a decision. I decided to call his supervisor and ask her to take him off my case. She wanted to know why. And I couldn't get myself to tell her. I just said it wasn't a good fit. It was kind of obvious that we were though, a good fit. He was studying buddhism at a zen center. And we had that interest in common. But yeah, I couldn't deal. I was going through a tough time with other men. And it just felt so disempowering to me for him to be my worker. It felt so unequal and sucked.
So they took him off my case. I saw him only a couple times after that. Once was when I needed my check and he was the only person available. It felt awful to see him. He was very distant and left, right after giving it to me. The second time was at a movie get together. He was there, and I stayed for a short while, but had so much anxiety due to his presence, that I didn't stay long and left.
At least 50 times, lol, I've thought about contacting him, and saying I want things to be ok between us. But something stops me. I get emotional. I still like him. I fantasize about us making out. Something. I brought it up to a different worker of mine. A female. Not the feelings for him part. But yeah. She said that I should work up the courage to contact him. Something stops me though. I'm afraid.
He is leaving, maybe he even already left. He is leaving the worker job he has to live in some monastery. I heard through a different worker. I cannot get my mind off this and I don't know why. I had a dream about him last night though. And I saw a book that reminded me of him today.
My question is, would it be good to contact him? Bad? Helpful? Unhelpful? I remember back when it happened, I wanted to apologize. But my friend said "his feelings are not your responsibility." Something just feels SO unclosed though. So unfinished. What should I do? Nothing? Something? Thanks.
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this isn't cut and dry really. While it is true that we aren't exactly responsible for other people's feelings, what we are responsible for is doing things that for one reason or another may have caused undue emotional stress on the other person. Although one might say we can't control how they feel about what we do, the fact remains, in your case that you had moved or had him moved for reasons other than the truth. Whether or not that made him feel a certain way, the unclosed feeling you are experiencing, I think is that you never were entirely honest to everyone about your reasons and that makes you feel as though you've deceived him. On a certain level some might agree.
You never pursued the relationship with him, it seems and if that's the case that's your right to either pursue interests or not. you're not OBLIGATED to tell anyone that you have feelings for them and sometimes it's not in the best interest of the relationship/friendship. no one knows at all what his reactions for being broken up as working together he had, it's all just assumptions.
So all we have left is what you feel, and think. You feel obligated for whatever it is you think he is feeling. You are assuming things are NOT ok with him now because of a couple of behaviors he portrayed but honestly you don't know. your lack of closure is entirely based on feelings that something is unfinished but you made a choice for whatever reason to not pursue a romantic relationship with this person. Nothing in what has happened has made you obligated to do anything, contact him, make sure you are ok as friends etc. So it comes down to the fact that this is entirely to give yourself the satisfaction or closure that your friendship is indeed "ok".
Since you've not talked to him, you saw him only a few times, and the one time you had a chance to be around him (at the movies) you bolted. You walked away and you probably should just work on being ok with your own decision.
Contacting him will likely only bring to the forefront, your feelings for him and to be honest, with your unresolved infatuation with him, I really doubt it will be a good outcome. Besides, are you sure you really want the relationship as friends to be ok? Is he someone you will hang out with going forward? Will you talk to him as a friend, regularly again? Probably not since you want to avoid falling further into the feelings you have for him. So walking away considering your resolve not to pursue is probably the best course of action.