I should also add I'm still mostly closeted when it comes to gender and sexual identity. My ex helped me see that I was partially in denial about same sex attractions but as I leave the relationship I don't know how or if I should pursue it or not. Even worse were the implications of my gender identity that I felt I had to more or less ignore for a few years. I tried to be 100% female, but it wasn't always comfortable or successful. He seemed to be more accepting of me actually presenting and me thinking about myself as genderfluid/non-binary/having a more male than female mind but in the end he never understood nor took the time to try to understand. It also would make it harder to find a man who would be compatible with me as my attraction to men is from both a male and a female perspective.

The point is, very few understand, I have very few options if I ever want to date again (so I guess I have to settle again), and the pain of knowing the only person who's ever really loved me loved the me he understood, not the entirety of me.