Oh but I do and much more and it is coming for me. Things get worse and worse.

I had to bow out and drove home for a couple of days(my parents are about 3 hours away) to decompress and reassess things. This really upset a few of my sisters, especially one that I think has gotten a bit of PTSD. She has refused to leave my dads side for more than an hour every few days and has witnessed so many horrible things in the past month such as repeated shocks and is showing symptoms of PTSD.

She is upset that I had to leave to help watch my granddaughter and recharge a little. I am not sure she understands. I don't see her a lot and she remembers me mostly pre-psychosis. I did used to be a very happy-go-lucky laid-back guy that never got stressed about anything. I am the opposite of that now. I was able to calm her down, I have always been good at doing that for my wonderful and energetic but very emotional sister.

I know it is stressing out my mom. With my sisters obsessively looking after my dad while he recovers in a rehab center(his balance is about as bad as it was when he had his stroke but is improving daily) I have been helping my mom manage her life, house and huge yard, which is much easier on me but I am not there to help for a few days. So the fact that I am a useless psychotic piece of garbage is making life harder for the one person I am supposed to be helping.

It has been a very bad 15 months or so:


My tinnitus got way worse leading to a MRA scan which showed a possible tumor that would lead to deafness, facial paralysis or death. MRI showed nothing about my tumor so that was good but it showed my sinuses are messed up and that I am missing things inside my nose and sinuses look wrecked and they have a small chance of collapsing. I am a bit of a hypochondriac so that doesn't help. Even if all of that doesn't happen, the tinnitus is maddening.

Foolishly bought a house leading to several issues. 1. Massive stress all day and night and wake with an anxiety attack nearly every day since. 2. Needing to spend horrible amounts of money on upgrades and maintenance. 3. Got used to being around people so I feel lonely for the first time in at least 15 years. Haven't dated in 16 years and my last friend was in 2009 when I was a grad student and he moved away. So I foolishly tried to find friends and failed spectacularly because I am a worthless sack of crap and uglier than said crap. My sisters bugging me about dating and marriage is just making it worse.


My sweet and awesome grandson who is 7 mysteriously got serious mental issues and is in a juvenile ward about 6 hours away. It is killing me although he is doing awesome and back to normal and will be out in a few weeks. So a little light between my dad and grandson at least.

My granddaughter who was briefly kidnapped on the same day my dad had a heart attack is starting to be affected. She is having nightmares and anxiety about being in cars. She is in counseling in school and the therapist says a delayed reaction is normal and is processing things in a healthy way. So a bit more light.

There are a few other things causing stress in my life that has to do with her mom but in the grand scheme of things is minor but causes endless stress on top of stress.

Plus everything mentioned earlier in this thread and of course I turned 50 last monday. I can pass for mid to late thirties but I feel 70. So much physical pain from injuries from the military. Plus, half a century old and a total failure with no value at all.


Dealing with all this on 2-3 hours of sleep, not only do I have MH issues, I am seizure and both migraine and tension headaches. I end up sleeping on an air mattress which is causing bursitis and sciatica if all the above wasn't enough.





It is like the universe is conspiring to keep my loser butt here and suffering. It is bad enough it won't let me leave, it piles on more crap almost daily.

I do deserve it being the horrible loser, waste of oxygen that I am but it still feels unfair somehow. I am somehow completely alone yet still needed. What is that?

I know this is a pathetic 'woe is me' post. Feel free to ignore, mock, block or ban me. I deserve it.