Hello jmcneely: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. You know... I've made two serious suicide attempts of my own in the past. So I know a bit about this. I obviously don't know much about what's going on with you. But since you wrote that it's taking everything you have not to do something, my personal opinion would be you really need to reach out, in real life, for help.

It sounds as though you must be seeing someone (perhaps a therapist?) every other week. But, as you clearly understand, that's not enough to address your immediate concerns. We here on PC want to be as supportive as possible. But there's a limit to what can be done in an anonymous on-line community. So please consider taking steps to address, in real life, the suicidal thoughts you're having. And please do keep posting here on PC as well. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.