"Every day is just a mess of depressive episodes
Panic in my room over never letting go
.....
Put up a facade and you saw right through it
Told me I was worthless but I already knew it
I don't care how I die as long as I do it
Please close your eyes I don't wanna put you through it at all"

-Atlas, 'Facade'.

I feel myself relapsing. The only thing holding me together is the medication, which I hate being dependent on. A self-destructive part of me wants to quit taking anything because I don't deserve any kind of stability.

Yesterday, I scared myself pretty bad. I don't know how I should deal with this. What do I do? Go to the hospital again and tell them that someone else took over and almost killed me? How that sounds alone is a reason to not go. I don't want to be IP anyway and can't afford it. Meds won't make this problem go away, especially since I'm not sure I want to fight him. Maybe I truly want this and should just allow it. I'm so tired of fighting this **** off. What do I do? Where do I go from here?