I ate some raspberries and pineapple and drank a protein drink in a nod to nutrition. Good for me! I tried to relieve my boredom by trying something new: i looked online for suggestions of musicians similar to my favorite Matthew Good and found Our Lady Peace. I listened to their most recent album on YouTube and liked it well enough to buy it on iTunes. I like "Let Me Live Again" the best. So far, it doesn't rival Matthew Good but it's always hard to get started with new music. I'm trying.

I laid around for long hours today. I dozed the day away. I worry that i am wasting my life but i have nothing to do.

I ran into someone from my support group that i haven't seen in ages when i went out to the mall in the evening for a change of scenery. She was somewhat rude, chatting with me for just a few brief minutes, then retreating to her phone. I felt a little rejected. She uses a cane now and has braces on both knees so perhaps she felt too unwell to be her old friendly self.

The results were posted for the last night of the Scrabble season and i have won the trophy again for top player in my division. It's the second time i've won it so i'm not excited; also not excited because it's all women in my division who are quite a bit older than me. So i can beat a bunch of old ladies -- so what! I just feel for the amount of work i put into Scrabble i should be far more advanced than i am. I haven't got out of it what i've put into it which makes me feel bitter.

It was the same way with gymnastics when i was young. I worked hard and i improved but not on the scale of my efforts. About the only thing which really gave as good as i did was school, academics. If i tried hard in school i got the marks. I realized this the other day and decided i'd study something since that's what i'm good at. I tried chemistry and German. Chemistry was too hard and German seems pointless. I'd tried "Chemistry for Dummies" and it was too hard. I guess i need "Chemistry for Retards!"

Guess it's back to dozing the day away. I'm staying up half the night, til 4:30am and it's really isolating as i can't go anywhere at night. Everything is closed. I tried an all-night coffee shop the other day and it was okay but i take the bus so i can't go really late.

I feel so stuck. I'm unhappy and unhealthy but i can't seem to change it.