T yesterday--Talked about assorted stuff in the beginning. Then a bit about ex-MC since I'm seeing the concert this weekend of the same band I saw the night I sent the "I love you so much" email. T asked if I'd emailed ex-MC recently, like in relation to that. Me: "No, I'm trying to avoid emailing him." T: "Why are you trying to avoid it?" Me: "Uh, because I'm a former client and don't know if it's OK." T: "So you're concerned about crossing a boundary?" Me: "Yes. And that he'll say I can't email anymore." T: "Oh OK." I also was thinking, isn't it bad for me to stay in contact with him for other reasons? But didn't say that...

I said how I felt I hadn't been discussing the therapeutic relationship with himas much lately--had he noticed that, too? He said he had. T: "I wasn't sure if it was because you made a conscious choice to do that or just didn't feel the need to. Like maybe it's just because I hadn't tipped the apple cart lately." Me: "Yeah, it may partly be because you haven't f***ed up lately." T: "I went with 'tip the apple cart,' but we can go with 'f***ed up' if you prefer." Me: "OK. the thing is, there are some things I want to discuss about it, but I feel like things are going well here between us, and I don't want to mess them up. But then..."

T: "It's OK to talk about it. What did you want to discuss?" Me: "Uh..." I went on to say something about feeling connected to him lately and how that scared me a bit and...I forget what else. T: "I don't want to sound arrogant, but I've probably had clients who had romantic feelings for me who didn't tell me. But for those who did tell me, we were able to continue working together. Unless they were aggressively trying to push my boundaries." Me: "...........Uh, that's not what I was going to talk about. I don't have romantic feelings for you." T: "Oh. OK."

I think...I tried to explain what I meant by the connection thing? Parts of this are a bit hazy because I was trying to process what he'd just said. I know I used the word "connected" in there in trying to explain it, and he was like, "dependent?" I said, "Maybe a bit, but that's not what I mean..."

I said I wanted to feel like I could tell him anything, but I felt like he suggested I shouldn't tell him certain things. T: "If I gave that impression, I didn't mean to." Me: "Like about looking at your photo when you were out of town. You implied I shouldn't have told you that." T: "but it was OK that you did. It didn't hurt our relationship." Me: "Yeah, but if I do that again, then if feels like I'm doing something wrong. Like if it's something you don't want to know about." T: "You're not doing anything wrong."

Me (crying): "Or like with the stone--the current one. The other day, I was feeling really sad. Tried talking to friends, thought about emailing you, but held stone instead. And it helped. But I feel like I'm not supposed to tell you that, that it will weird you out." T: "When I let you have a stone again, I assumed you would be holding it some." Me: "OK, but I thought maybe it was sort of an agreement, that it was OK, as long as I didn't tell you about it." T: "I didn't mean to imply that." Me: "OK."

Me: "But I just assumed that because of your reaction to the original stone. I'm sorry to keep bringing that up." T: "But we worked through that. The relationship survived. We may not have agreed about everything, but it was OK." Me: "I mean, you didn't terminate me, but..." T: "In fact, I don't know if you'd agree, but I feel that it ultimately made our relationship stronger." Me: "..." "Because we worked through the conflict." Me: "But I felt shamed, and it made me afraid to tell you things... so I don't see how that made the relationship stronger." I forget what he said to that.

Right near the end, I got out this thing I had scribbled on my list of notes. Me: "Basically, I guess, what I'm wondering is...What would make you stop caring?" T: "Goodness, LT." Me: "I know that's probably not a fair question. But i just worry I'm going to do something to make you stop caring." T: "It would have to be something pretty major, like a threat, or crossing a boundary. Not asking about or clarifying boundaries--that's fine." Me: "Right, OK." T: "Or not respecting my opinion on something." Me: "What? That would make you stop caring?" T: "Just for a little bit, not permanently. It could happen with a partner, too, like with my wife." Me: "..." T: "You'd probably react that way, too, with the compassion drying up for a bit." Me: "Uh, not really."

I used up last tissue in box and had to walk across room to get another tissue because I started crying again. We went right up to a minute before the hour ended. I said he'd probably be getting an email. He said he figured that, was OK. "You know my policy." Me: "Really, I don't. We need to discuss that more at another session." Scheduled, he reminded him about his being away most of next week. Me: "I know." Scheduled for the Monday he's back and that Thursday.

Went over to pay. T: "I just want you to know that all is well on my end. I know you may be worried, but I feel fine about everything we discussed today." Me: "Thanks for saying that. I'll still be emailing you." T: "That's OK." Me: "The question is, do I send something tonight or wait to see what comes up from the concert?" T: "If you need to send a few emails, that's fine, too." Me: "OK, thanks." Shook hands, think he said "Good luck out there" and to have fun at concert. Me: "Thanks."

Emailed him last night, asked if he had any availability today. Seeing him in a half hour.