..and I wish I wasn't told.

I can't help but think of I'd been better if not knowing that there was something wrong with me beyond "depression and anxiety".
Once you start peeling off the layers it didn't seem to end and you can't help but look back and think how incredibly stupid, naive and ignorant you were to letting the abuse go on.

In my case 11 years of living with an alcoholic father who got screwed out of a couple of million dollars by his own mother. She valued money now than her own son and gave the majority to her daughter...and guess who was on the receiving end of his anger..

I lost the greatest years of my life because of greed and lost any sense of self and self worth.

Being 42 now, with no formal education, no thanks to being kicked out of University (how could I concentrate studying with a lunatic always screaming, breaking things, slamming doors, etc).

I constantly think of "checking out" of life and yet I'm still here. All because of the natural desire to stay alive.
But when you're broken down mentally, it's such a struggle to fight the urge to stay alive. It's being draining.

Friends don't truly grasp it, never will.
I isolate myself a lot, spend hours on end in my car, a learned behavior from avoiding the times when the dunk was home. I lost my dog to old age in 2014, got her in the middle of this "life" I was in. She basically saved me and the irony is I got her from the Humane society.

It genuinely seems like this is it for me and my life.

Thanks for reading, I know everyone wants their stories to be read and there are so many of us looking to vent, talk etc.