Extra T session yesterday, which I'd requested. Went back and sat down. T: "You have a can instead of a bottle today. I barely recognized you." Me: "Yeah, ran out of Perrier, stuck with canned seltzer."

I said I was trying to figure out where to start, what I wanted to say. He mentioned my email from the night before, the he wanted to comment on something I said in there: "Lately, I've felt connected to you (in a human-to-human sense, not romantic). Like we're understanding each other. And like you're accepting me. In a way, that feels good. But it's also kind of terrifying. Because if it's there, it can also go away." He wanted to ask me to talk more about that feeling. Is it just with him or with connections to anyone? I said: "Pretty much with anyone. You, friends, significant others." T: "Can you talk more about what it feels like?" Me: "It's like I feel connected to someone, which feels good, but then it's like, 'aaaaghh!!!'" T: "What you just said is basically a one-sentence definition of the anxious attachment style." Me: "Yeah..." I asked about how I could stop being like that, and now I'm trying to remember what he said...(I was really anxious during session, which is affecting my memories of parts of it).

I said I wanted to discuss what he'd said about thinking I had romantic feelings for him. But I was afraid to discuss it, because, as a friend had mentioned, then it might seem like a "methinks thou doth protest too much" thing, and then he'd think I actually had them. He said he wouldn't think that.

He apologized for jumping to that conclusion. I asked if there was anything I'd done to make him think that. He said no. T: "I just couldn't think of anything else that you'd be so afraid to share with me. Because I could tell you wanted to say something but seemed scared of my reaction." Me: "Oh, OK." T: "Unless it's like you want to kill H." Me: "No!"

Me: "I guess the reason I was so worried about you thinking I had romantic feelings is because of how you reacted to something with ex-MC." T: "What do you mean?" Me: "The email I sent him, the I 'love you so much' one. Where you understood his reaction. I figured that would mean you'd react in the same way if you thought a client felt that way." T: "I was trying to suggest what could have been going through his head, not so much as Dr. Ex-MC, but as [Ex-MC's first and last name]. Like what he may have been feeling as a person rather than as a therapist." Me: "You mean, as a therapist, he might have been thinking, 'this is clearly just transference.' But as a person, it felt different?" T: "Yes, like that. Again, I don't know what he was feeling, it was just speculation."

Me: "Hm...so like as a therapist, he could be very accepting of anything I said. But him as a person might not be." T: "Exactly." Me: "The phone call I had with him, after that email, where I kept bothering him with emails and texts, and where i was pretty harsh to him in the one text...where he called me and was like, 'I have 2 minutes and I'm going to do all the talking.' That didn't feel like Dr. Ex-MC. I feel like maybe I was getting [Dr. Ex-MC's first name] there instead of him as a therapist. And I think that may have been why it was so jarring to me...because he was so different than he is in session or otherwise on the phone." T: "That could have been the case."

Me: "The thing is, I don't get the sense you have so much of a facade as him. I mean, maybe you're even more blunt with people in your outside life than you are in here, but..." T, laughing, "I'm not sure that's possible, I'm pretty blunt in here." Me: "Good point! But with ex-MC, I had this illusion that I really knew him. But I didn't."

T: "Do you feel comfortable sharing with me what you're afraid to talk about?" Me: "I don't know...I mean, on the way here, one of my friends messaged me basically saying, 'Be careful what you say--don't make things worse with him!' And I keeping thinking about that. I don't know if I should share." T: "It's OK to share it. It will be OK." Me (crying and having an internal battle about whether to share): "F***! I...I can't."

Me: "I just keeping thinking about your reaction to something, how you didn't believe me, but then actually, I wasn't being honest, so you were right to not believe me." T: "What are you talking about?" Me: "Sorry, I know that didn't make any sense, you'd need to be able to see the circuits in my brain to understand that. I mean, I don't even understand it myself! I just don't want to mess everything up."

T: "Why do you think you'd mess everything up?" Me: "I don't know...because of things you've said. Your reactions to things. Or like how you said we end up talking about the therapeutic relationship too much." T: "I don't think I said we talk about it too much. It's more that, if our sessions were to all end up being mostly about our relationship, then I'd be wondering how much I was actually helping you. Or if I was just creating new problems. Since remember, my goal is to work myself out of a job." Me: "Yeah." T: "I want to help you so that eventually you wouldn't need to see me anymore because you would have stronger outside relationships." I started crying. T: "That makes you sad..." Me: "I guess it does...but I think I'm also crying because that's something I want, the stronger relationships."

Somehow we got to me saying how I tend to feel that I need to make him laugh or otherwise entertain him, like I need to do more than just pay him. He said he remembered my saying that before and wondered why it was. T: "Are you hoping I'll look at my schedule and think, 'Yay, I'm seeing LT next!'" Me: "Not so much, 'Yay, I'm seeing LT,' as I don't want you to be thinking, 'Oh no, now I have to see LT...'" T: "I can assure you that I've never thought, 'Oh no,' when I've seen you on my schedule." Me: "Well, I mean, I know I can be difficult sometimes, so." T: "LT, I would never lie to you. I've never felt that way about seeing you." Me: "OK."

Me: "I'm still trying to figure out whether to share the one thing. Maybe I just need to get it out." T: "It will be OK. I want you to trust in the strength of our relationship." Me: "OK...it's just...I guess....lately I've realized I've had...some...platonic...love feelings for you...I'm sorry..." I was hiding my face behind a tissue, scared to look at him to see his reaction. T: "I'm completely fine with that. I know you tend to feel a close connection to your therapists. And we've probably had, what, 100 sessions by this point? So it's not surprising that you'd have those sorts of feelings." Me: "OK. it's just...I vowed I'd never tell you. But then I was afraid you'd figure it out, like from the thera-versary email, or maybe a particular way I looked at you or reacted." T: "How does it feel now, having said it?" Me: "I guess, I mean, I'm scared, but there's also a sense of relief. Because i don't have to hide it anymore." T: "And then we can move forward with our relationship from here."

Me: "OK. I'm just...I tried so hard to avoid even developing the feelings. But it's like if I fight against something, that makes it worse. But I just kept thinking, I can never tell you." T: "LT, it's OK. And you said it's platonic, so that's essentially just saying that you like me a lot." Me: "Yeah...and I feel like I have a looser definition of 'love' than some people might have. Like some might only use it for family or friends, and that's fine." T: "Yes, people might define it differently."

Me: "Also...I know I've mentioned my thinking you're attractive before. And I know it might not make sense to...any normal person...that I can think you're attractive and have love feelings for you without it being romantic. But it's like they're different things in my head." T: "I understand that. It makes sense to me." Me: "OK, good. I can't remember if I ever told you this, but the first time I met you, I realized you were attractive in person, and the first thought I had was literally, 'Oh s***, I hope I'm not making a terrible mistake." T: "I hope that's not what everyone thinks when they first meet me--'Oh s***, am I making a terrible mistake?'" We both laughed.

I knew we had to be out of time, but I kept avoiding looking at the clock so that maybe he also wouldn't notice. I glanced at it, and we were at like 58 minutes. I stood up to throw away my tissue pile and said I knew we had to stop. We'd scheduled the day before, so I just went over to pay. He shook my hand and said he hoped I had fun at the concert that night. I said thanks. I thanked him for the extra session, adding, "I know, it's your job." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

It was an emotional session, but I think it really helped. After I'd shared the love feelings, it was like his demeanor shifted toward me. Like he became...softer in a way, like his face literally softened, and he was more gentle and caring. I think he realized what a big deal it was for me to share that, to trust him with that. And he was trying to make it very clear to me that it was OK. Of course I'm still kinda freaked out...