I'm seeing my T for depression, anxiety, cptsd, and I'm really struggling with wanting to push my T away because I'm scared to trust anyone. I've got a lot of abandonment issues, trust issues, and struggle with emotional intimacy and being vulnerable. I really really want the thoughts of 'he actually hates me, he doesn't care, he can't wait to terminate me etc' to not hinder my progress between sessions anymore. If I list all the ways, verbal and nonverbal that I think my T cares and is genuine, can someone just read it and let me know that from an outsider perspective, objectively, I can rely on this list of evidence and use that to reassure myself that I can learn to trust my T and/or provide your own experiences on how you've managed to get past the walls you put up and learning to trust your T?

Ways I think that show he cares and is being honest:

• He said that he must be one hell of an actor if he really hated me and thought I was stupid and laughed about me behind my back

• He is always attentive, attuned, active, involved and focused in our sessions

• He has never had any scheduling issues (being late, not showing etc)

• He remembers details of what I've said in previous sessions and keeps detailed track of my progress

• He has reassured me that he wouldn't abandon me as a client

• He hasn't judged me for crying or being inarticulate when I'm anxious and encourages me to feel my emotions

• He encourages and is very good about me giving feedback if I didn't like something he did/said

• He's not uncomfortable about transference at all and all the different projections I put on him

• He's accepted small pieces of art I've made and doesn't refuse them or make a big deal out of them

• He encourages me to feel and be angry at him and that he can take it (haven't done it yet as it's my most repressed emotion)

• He always validates my experiences and my feelings

• He tries to explain the 'why' behind everything for me because I'm always resistant and constantly asking for the evidence or research and encourages me to challenge him

• He has very firm boundaries and has not changed or violated them

• He walks me to the door exiting the waiting room and not just the office after a hard or anxious session and gives me a bit of extra small talk or encouragement

• He offered to see if he could get me extra help when I was struggling even though my case at the hospital was closed

• He is honest and realistic about progress and goals and results and adjusts the pacing and speed of the work we do

• He reduced his session fee a bit for me because I don't have insurance and pay out of pocket

• He softens and quiets his voice when I get triggered

• He's got a good sense of humour and knows when to match my jokes and when to point them out as me using them as defences

Sorry for the long post, I just wish my logical brain could convince my emotional brain of all of this. On paper I have a great T and I am grateful and feel very lucky but I'm still so so scared to open up and trust and believe. The only issues I've ever had is that he's got a busy practice with a full caseload so I can't see him weekly sometimes and the 3-4 week breaks are hard, and that he's very traditional and doesn't allow contact between sessions and I'm pretty sure he doesn't even have an e-mail. But I've had a previous T that let me message and e-mail and it didn't really help anyways, I need to learn to be able to reassure myself and figure out how to trust in between sessions right?