I seem unable to keep depression out. It’s like a vampire that I somehow accidentally invited in for tea and now can’t get rid of. It leaves for a while but always comes back. It always fuucking returns. And every time it is both surprising and inevitable at the same time. How do you do more than just watch helplessly as it swallows you whole?

I am actually dealing with a serious medical condition that for once probably gives me a reason for feeling this way. I thought that having depression and anxiety when life situations warrant it would somehow feel more legitimate or something. At least I have a reason to feel like this this time. It turns out it doesn’t really matter if there’s a good reason or not. It’s still the same old D ****ingg with my head. And as I feel ittake over part of me just wants to let it. Why fight it when it’s gonna show up regardless of how hard I try to fight it and keep it out of my head? But then I think how can I not use all my energy and resources to try to keep it at bay, as there are levels of D and it would really suck if I took myself out of the game before my illness has a cnance to.

So how do I stop this feeling that I recognize; it is so familiar it seems like it has always been there waiting and I knew it would return so why not now? How do you not just let it surround you? The idea of fighting just seems too hard, I am already so exhausted from my physical health crap. Maybe this isn’t even D, t just feels so much like it bc all I want to do is sleep and stay in bed and every task feels monumental and impossible to tackle.

I don’t know if I am making any sense at all. But how do I fight what feels like the inevitable return of depression. My mind somehow let it sneak back in and now I feel helpless to fight it. I always try to stay vigilant, but I must have let down my guard bc it’s back and I don’t know how to stop it from just getting worse. It’s like I’m watchinh a horror movie and yelling for the girl not to go upstairs as if she can hear me and I can change what happens next in a movie.

I think I just feel completely alone trying to deal with everything and I need someone one my side bc I really don’t know how much longer I can keep showing up and trying so hard when this is my life. Sorry for the thought vomit, I just think I needed to vent a bit. Anyhow Take care all.