Someone needs to know the truth. Anybody at this point.
I am in desperate need of help and guidance. I am struggling with addiction in a major way.
In turn I have not kept track of my bi polar at all and at this point dont even know where I am

at emotionally. Physically I am ill. I have flu. I vomit. I barely eat. I sometimes dont know how I am
surviving.
But I am afraid. I am very afraid. If this goes on it might be too late before I even realize it and I do not want this to happen. I have been using cocaine almost on a daily basis for 2 months. (I relapsed)


I do not speak to my therapist or psychiatrist because all they suggest does not work for me.
My psychiatrist says I am intellectualizing but I dont know how to explain the system of the 12 step
program is not me. It does not work for me. I dont say this out of hate but out of experience.


I am desperate to stay clean but I need to find a way that works for me or I will never stay clean.
with that said right now I just need help.

I dont speak to my therapist or psychiatrist because of trust issues regarding them telling my parents when I am 39 years old. I want to speak to them openly and honestly but would like it to stay in the room and not reported back to my family. But yes I know "honesty"


I am desperate to be honest.

please advise, because I am at a loss and I am tired of this spiral. I am scared I end up dead (be it a heart attack, a stroke or suicide)