I can't trust my head much anymore. My hallucinations are getting worse, as is my paranoia. That's not what bothers me, though. What bothers me is how I am when I'm alone. I go from at least managing my symptoms to falling victim to them.

"I'm not suicidal, I don't wanna ****ing die, just wanna be able to close my and feel alright, but every day I feel like dying, every day I feel like dying" -Jake Hill Josh A, 'Suicidal Thoughts'. I suppose that the only thing I question with this quote is, do I really not want to? If so, why can't I stop feeling like this and fixating on it? On the opposite end, if I wanted to wouldn't I do it? I know I've tried in the past and I know I've been taken over by these thoughts and fixations.

What if that happens again? How will I fight it? How will I survive another bout of this ****? Do I even want to? Should I just give up and throw in the towel? Is there really an escape that isn't final?