It was years ago, when I was kind of in the throes of some trauma stuff where I was pretty hostile to my pre-teen/teenage self. One session I decided (and I remember making a decision pretty clearly but don't remember much of the session) to have a very hostile attitude towards him and my cynicism flared that he could help me. I was definitely acting out although I'm not sure it was for attention per se-- because I know I have his attention in session, it's the only thing besides the time I could count on.

So stormy-faced and crossing my arms, I just deflected whatever he said. I waited for him to turn angry but instead he was more gentle and kind. You could say it was reinforcing my attempts to be angry teenager.

Because I was aware of what I was doing, I was able to see after this session that it didn't get me anywhere. If I was testing whether I could be "bad" and still be "loved," then I guess it proved that. But it didn't feel like it moved me anywhere in terms of where I wanted to be, it didn't give me anything and in fact it detracted from just working through what I needed to work through. It was an obstacle, and a waste of time, but for whatever reason I did it in the moment. I don't think I had to or that I was hopelessly compelled to do it by some inner drive, except I do know that I want to have an impact on others, and one way to do that is to be a jack@ss and watch others react. I never did it again, although there have certainly been times when felt like it, was reactive in a way I'd have like to indulged myself. Maybe what the acting out helped me figure out is that I much prefer to be intentional or responsive rather than reactive.