You do not deserve it. No matter what you do or did... or what anybody does for that matter, you do not deserve to be mistreated. An abuser has issues and problems that they extend on to caring and thoughtful people like us, they need to feel better so they reflect any pain they can. If we weren't so empathetic, they wouldn't be able to reach us in the way they do.

Try to think about the here and now. Sit and listen to the silence, listen and feel your breathing. You are a human being, worthy of love and care. When the abuse has stopped, our mind can relax and has time to conjure up all sorts of beliefs that were planted there. I believe it struggles to find logic and sense in the abuse so we tend to turn it inwards and believe it is us.
Shut the mind off for a while.. just feel your body and souls presence and start to really take care of it. Listen to gentle music, take a bath, read your favourite stories.
You deserve love and care. Be the first to show it yourself the rest will follow suit.