i don't know what is happening. i have depression and anxiety etc, am on meds, see a therapist. i get this sometimes. feel like i'm falling between two spaces - conscious of how i am, and out of my mind. then i wish i would just go to the out of my mind bit, because it's difficult to sit between and be semi-conscious of what i'm doing and what i want to do. like i get the urge to test if i can fly, but the conscious part knows it's not going to work. it's an effort to weigh up the options and decide. i have been wishing to go into a fantasy world because i don't want to exist in my world. i don't want to self harm because of all the problems that would cause with family. by myself i kind of do though.

i have self-destructive urges and thoughts because everything feels dream-like and like it doesn't matter. at the moment when it feels real and it does matter, that hurts and is too much, so i prefer it unreal. i wish i could get high but can't. like either leave my mind or go unconscious, so it's not in this inbetween space.