I had my first session with my T after a 3 week break due to a natural disaster. I usually see her twice a week. The session wasn't great. I didn't want to look at her. I felt rather glum and sorry for myself from the beginning, and things didn't improve as we talked.

At one point, I feel like she was a little blame-y about my depression. She asked about my job. I said I was working this week and not really looking forward to it (dreading it actually, but I didn't say that). She asked what that was about, and I explained I didn't anticipate enjoying it much, and there are parts which I actively dislike. She asked me if I wasn't going to enjoy it because I wouldn't "let myself" enjoy it. This felt really unfair. I am dealing with crippling depression where I enjoy very little, if anything. I don't think you should have to work hard to enjoy something. That just seems ridiculous to me.

I just felt so hopeless and alone when she was talking about "letting myself" enjoy my job, getting out more, and trying to socialize. I understand she's saying that she doesn't think my depression can get better while I'm completely isolated, don't do anything enjoyable, etc., but I feel so terrible that I feel incapable of doing more than I am currently doing. Which, now that I mention it, is getting to be less and less. I am decompensating and can barely manage to get out of bed, feed myself, and bathe. Sometimes I do none of these things, and only get out of bed to feed my dog.



The session was yesterday. Today, I was doing so badly that I was unable to make it to work. I put my boss in a terrible position, and understandably got in trouble. I am a contractor, and they have cancelled my work for the rest of the week, as well. This is obviously a hit financially (and it doesn't help that I hadn't worked the previous 3 weeks due to the natural disaster).

I texted my T that I didn't go to work and that I think I might get fired. She responded that I should try to go tomorrow and that it's beneficial to me. I replied back that they have cancelled all my work for the week. Haven't heard back from her yet, if she responds at all. It's not looking like she will.

I feel like such a **** up, and the way T is responding isn't helping that. It feels like she thinks I'm just being lazy and choosing to be depressed. I don't WANT to feel so awful. I don't WANT to feel so hopeless and stuck.

I'm feeling really alone because my T seems to be ignoring how depressed I've become. She hasn't even asked me if I'm having thoughts about hurting myself or if I'm engaging in self harm.



I usually don't mind that my T isn't the warm fuzzy type... but right now, I could really use a bit of compassion and sympathy, even if it's not 100% genuine. Instead, I feel like T is sending the message that I need to pull myself up by my emotional bootstraps.

TL;DR: I'm extremely depressed and feel unsupported by my T. I am alarmed by how badly I'm doing, but T doesn't seem concerned at all. I don't know what to do and I'm scared.