I'm struggling mightily with the possibility of having motives that I am not aware of. Omg I must be a ****ing poster child for codependency. Shouldn't I get a t-shirt for that? Ha. My task first and foremost is to not sink into a well of self-hatred for it and instead feel good about myself for finally being willing to see it and work on changing it. Seriously though. I put so much effort and energy for so long into denying my sexuality, and now that I'm not hiding that anymore, I've freed up a lot of emotional resources to accept and work on this other ginormous thing. But it sucks. Hmm. Yes, this: that hating myself for unknown reasons like I used to - that was a whole lot easier than trying not to hate myself for what seems a logical reason.

I don't think I explained any of that very well.