Toni

Thank you very much for your kind words. I just returned from a session with my therapist and I am now in a much better position to evaluate my relationship with my ex girlfriend and put it in perspective. I now know that she may or may not be the right person for me. But, what was certain is that we came together at the wrong time.

As I said in an earlier post my ex girlfriend was in a “limbo state” due to her unresolved divorce. One of the things I now realize is that she could not give me what I needed any more than I was in a position to give her what she needed. One of the biggest issues that I had with her was that it always seemed like I was much more integrated into her life than she was into mine. The vast majority of the time I would stay at her apartment and not mine. I can even remember returning to my apartment very late one night for her only to ask for me to drive to hers. At the time I was pretty upset about it, but didn’t make an issue of it. Now I see that it was symptomatic of a larger issue. She would RARELY want to engage in any activity with my kids. She would use the excuse that my kids were through enough and she didn’t want to complicate their life. Well, my kids met her, knew she was important to me and they always thought it odd that they rarely saw her. I mean my ex wife’s significant other really made the effort to be involved with my kids. Hell, he even attended my daughter’s softball tournament when my ex wife was out of town. To his credit he did that on his own, because he wanted to. I see now that my ex girlfriend was perpetuating this “limbo state”. She wanted me to be there for her family functions, which I did willingly because I very much enjoyed being a part of them. But, there was very little reciprocation. I think she liked being partnered at those events, or in general, but didn’t really want to integrate herself into my life. After dating for over two years I was ready to begin increasing the integration in our lives. It was a struggle “compartmentalizing” my life between my life with her and my own life.

So it seems that being with her only compounded my own issues of being “in limbo”. I didn’t want to be in limbo and I certainly didn’t want a one-way relationship. Funny how these things only become clear after you have a chance to step back. I guess this perpetuation of the “limbo state” was the very reason that she was unable to really open up to me. Granted I supplied a lot of reasons due to my depression. But, I now know that on perhaps a subconscious level I was becoming increasingly depressed because I realized that she wanted something so much different than I did. After two years it was time to move the relationship forward. I guess she never really wanted that, or was never really ready for that. Well, I for one have no intention of being there to keep someone company, or to be at functions so that they are not the only single person. I want a deeper commitment.

This is still very, very hard for me. Because despite everything I said I still have incredibly strong feelings for her. Still trying to work through those.