I just want to say thank you very much for those that replied and sent me hugs I understand that I was so young when I fantasised about what I did. While I would love to go to a therapist and talk about it, i don’t think I could it doesn’t really make sense and it’s more about what happened in the story than what I thought about as well. It is disturbing. It would be amazing though if a therapist could help me but they would literally hate me i’ve Been in therapy before for anxiety and it really did help but this is a different level of emotional pain. Sorry i’m nearly in tears as I write this i just feel so sad for my parents and grandparents having someone like me